Saturday, 4 June 2011

A rope

I haven't thought about what I did last night much today, except to note that my arm was stingy when I went for a swim in the sea. Apart from that knowledge, I just haven't thought about it. I've had a nice day for my standards, despite being very tired. I haven't felt down. I didn't feel down yesterday either.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep because there was too much in my head.

I got up out of bed and went into one of the other rooms in my house where I sat on the floor and tied a rope around my neck and pulled it tightly just to get an idea of what it might feel like to hang myself. It hurt and my head felt weird. I thought about tying the other end to the knob on the wardrobe and dropping myself onto the floor. I thought about tying it on the banisters and jumping off.

I sat on the floor with my eyes open but not really looking at anything. I was trying to figure out what was going on in my head but I felt shut off from everything. All I could really feel was 'alone'. I wanted T to help me. My eyes felt weird. After a while I felt a strong urge to cut my arms. I couldn't though because my husband was in bed and the blades were in my bedside table; he would have wanted to know what I was looking for and would have been suspicious. I kept the blades even though I haven't used them in over half a year. It's reassuring to know they are there. I then went downstairs and found a broken plate in the kitchen. I tried to cut myself with the edge of a piece. It wasn't very effective but helped a bit to scrape it over my wrists. I got back into bed and cried myself to sleep (silently).

I dreamt about muddy floods taking my wallet, car keys, phone and other possessions out to sea while I tried in vain to save them. I dreamt I was trying to get to a therapy session which was in a remote location and I only had a horse to get to the bus stop and then my legs didn't work to get me on the bus so I had to pull myself up by my arms, then after the session being stranded there in the middle of nowhere with no way home and wanting to ask T to give me a lift back but not wanting to overstep 'boundaries'. I also dreamt about sex and being exposed and 'found out' and my mum. I dreamt about work and at one point remember half waking up and having a conversation with an alter about how it was important that I stop dreaming about work.

I woke up this morning curled up with my teddy and half a plate. I shoved the piece of crockery under the bed and went about my day. When I was in the shower I wondered if I could hang myself from the shower and considered that I'd need a chair (I'm only remembering this now). I didn't think much about anything during the rest of the day until now. I felt very drained and lacking in energy for most of the day but I didn't really think about that much either.

This is the first I have reflected on what happened last night. Why did I want to kill myself? There seemed to be a lack of connection between me and what was going on. These sudden moments of thinking about killing myself seem to just spring out of nowhere with no warning. Am I going to do something stupid and end up in hospital or worse?

What should I do to stop this from getting worse? Should I tell T? I don't know if it would get me in trouble or make her take actions when there may be no need. I remember last time I talked about suicide she tried to make me sign a contract to say I wouldn't do it. I told her I couldn't promise that and in the end we compromised to say I would contact Lifeline before doing anything. She said she didn't think I was going to do anything and I know what she means... there is a big difference between thinking about it and doing it. The thing is, it's not like I'm feeling suicidal or planning anything. The moment just seems to take over me. What if I do end it all without any warning? It scares me to feel so much at the liberty of some alter in me that is taking over my actions in this way.

One of my parts draws a picture of a hanging corpse. It's always drawn the same way. It's been drawn many times. I never understand it. I try to remember if I ever saw something like that. I wondered if it is some unconscious desire for someone who hurt me to die. Or if it is to do with my father. But now I wonder, is the corpse me? I don't want to be that corpse. I don't want to hurt other people that way.


gelovsky said...

Hi Candycan! I'm happy that you're updating your blog. I don't know if this is fictional, but based on your previous entries, I think you need to tell "T" or your best friend about this. Why not have a break? Visit your family or hang out with your friends. I think you're just pretty tired of something. Go on! Have fun with someone ^_^

Candycan said...

Thanks angelo. That's good advice. maybe i need to spend more time on your blog to keep me smiling!