Sunday, 30 October 2011

Scrawlings in the night

I have typed up something I scrawled down last night when I was having a moment of sudden insight into how bad things really are. It's not very eloquent and I was frustrated even when writing it because I felt I couldn't 'get out' how things are. Basically, what I was trying to say is that I keep trying to keep going with life in the hopes that I am going to get better, but sometimes when I take a moment to question what I have in life, where my life is going or if there is any hope for me, I feel things are not looking good for me.

"I don't know if this is function mode. This place I have been for months now. I am so detached from myself. I can't relate to DID; to the sessions. I try to reflect but I can't. I think I feel nothing, am numb, don't care, am not alive: but it doesn't add up at the same time because I am all over the place emotionally: angry so often. So angry I feel I will physically explode if I can't get it out of me. It makes me hurt myself . I can't stand to be with other people because I'm so angry I want to hurt them. I want to hurt Adam. He annoys me so much and then I imagine myself physically hurting him and then I'm appalled and full of guilt and want to pull him to me and hug him because even at the same time, the thought of him being hurt is so awful. I love him and hate him at the same time. I just want this anger to pass. I'm still separate from myself even with this horrible rage inside me. I feel numb at the same time. It's impossible to explain. I want to rip my skin open with a knife and pull out my veins at the same time as I'm thinking that I have no feelings left. I want to cry. I need to cry, but I can't because truly crying would break me down to a despair I find it hard to function with. So I'm stuck in a state of 'almost crying' where tears come out but I can't truly let go and cry. Again, impossible to explain; I'm just a complete contradiction. I have feelings I can't stand yet am numb and separate. I'm angry but feel dead. I want to connect but am scared of what's happening inside. I want to know what 'others' know but at the same time am so afraid and at the same time also don't believe there is anything to know and again at the same time, don't believe in 'others'. I feel overwhelmed by ten different feelings yet believe I am separate. I believe I'm in function mode or drifting along yet am often resisting strong desires to cut myself and finding comfort in thoughts of suicide.
I feel I can't continue this way. One moment I am despairing and on the edge, the next, not believing there's a thing wrong with me. I don't know which state is the easiest. I feel now more than I have in a while, that there is little hope for me in life, when I truly let myself consider how I am and my future. It is clear that I am really not doing well at all. Yet I only allow myself this insight for a short while and then carry on with my blindfold on and my purpose of 'getting through the day'. But why? My only purpose for keeping going is so that the bills get paid. Is this really what life is about? Is it possible to love life?"

I need to question what I have in place to help me cope at the moment. Therapy weekly: it's not enough. I don't have energy for much in the way of doing enjoyable things. I need to consider if now is the time for me to think about starting again on some kind of medication. There are so many cons to taking antidepressants and do I really want to go back that way? But am I really doing myself any favours by thinking I'm coping OK without them?

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Don't make me question my memory

Sometimes in my job I find that people lie to me. It doesn't bother me that people lie to me. I can see why they do it: because they are ashamed to tell the truth about themselves or don't want to hear the advice that would come from me if they told me the truth. Patients lie to me. I support other workers as part of my role, individuals working in other areas of health... they lie to me too.

One thing I do mind though, which happens more than I would have expected, is people who lie to me by telling me I told them something I didn't. Want a for instance?

OK, for instance, I tried to get in touch with a patient to arrange an appointment with them and found I didn't have the correct telephone number for them, so I sent out a letter asking them to contact me before a deadline date to arrange an appointment, or I would discharge them. I heard nothing from the patient for weeks. Today, several days after the deadline, they rang my office and told someone that I had arranged to go and see them but didn't show up. I asked to speak to the individual on the phone and questioned them about when they had rang, who they spoke to and what was arranged. Now, perhaps you are thinking that as I have dissociative identity disorder, maybe another alter did this and didn't inform me? It wouldn't be the first time this has happened at work but I have developed a pretty good system now of record keeping which allows me to check what has been done or said ie I try to record ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. If I, or any of my alters had spoken with this patient, they or I would have a) made a note of the appointment, b) made a note of the new contact details and c) not have made the appointment time that this individual told me I made because it was not at a time that would have suited me.

It's almost worse in a way when it's other health care workers that do it. I had a lady who rang my department to say I had promised her a place on a training course I was running the next day. I checked my records and found a note saying that I had informed her that she had been too late in sending back her registration and that there were no places available. Again, my blood boiled. It's so hard to be polite and say that they have misunderstood when I feel like yelling down the phone: "Don't you FUCKING lie to me!"

I don't mind being lied to but this INFURIATES me and it's simply because of the DID. Isn't my life hard enough, managing a life where I regularly find that I have done things I have absolutely no memory of? Isn't it tough enough that I have to write down every tiny minuscule detail of my day so that if another part is out during working hours they can know what has and hasn't been done? Isn't that hard enough without patients
who are just too fucking proud to ring up and admit that they are sorry they missed the deadline and could I still see them? I try to rationalise it in the same way I do other kinds of lies: they are only lying because it's important to them that I see them and they don't want to risk me saying 'tough luck' and discharging them. I try to remember that but it doesn't stop my blood from boiling because I am trying fucking hard enough and I don't need people throwing me into self doubt about how I am managing life with alters. It's hard enough.

 I can live with people lying to me, but I don't want people doing it in a way that implies I am in error. I'm sure it appears strange to my colleagues that I get so angry every time this happens. I go on a rant about how it's disgraceful that people lie this way. I don't think they really get why it annoys me so much.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Clinical psychology unenthusiasm

Well, after the overwhelming response (ha!) to the EMDR question I posted previously I am once again back to gather my thoughts before my next session with T which falls tomorrow. I was with her on Friday just gone, so it hasn't been that long since I last saw her, nevertheless it still feels like a lifetime ago.

Friday's session was first thing and I'd woken up feeling really rough. After some horrific vomiting and diarhhoea I managed to pull myself together to get to the session but I looked a state as by the time I'd finished heaving and hurling, I didn't have time for more than a quick wash. It's funny, because even though I've been going to therapy for years, I find I always make an extra effort to look presentable on therapy days. I guess it's just because I know someone I know will be scrutinising me (as opposed to my lack of effort when it's patients scrutinising me). I wish I didn't bother so much about worrying about it. In fact, it would probably be a useful insight forT to see me on my off days when I look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

The session was kind of different because we were talking about my nieces and nephews for a good part of it and I was reflecting on my worries about each of them. T gave me some good encouragement and advice about how I can be a support to all of them. Although it was helpful to discuss this, it didn't leave much time at the end of the session before T asked me if I'd had any further thoughts about EMDR. I expressed, in an astonishingly flat tone (probably due to feeling like I'd been sapped of all energy after the random sickness) that I was feeling more anxious about how things would go if EMDR doesn't work for me. To be honest, I'm struggling to really remember what we did talk about, except that I remember her asking about little Ebony and this caused some internal stirring and I struggled very hard not to switch. I was disappointed because switching to Ebony or Little Ebony would be fantastic in that it's important that they get to communicate with T, however, I knew the session was coming to an end and I didn't want things to run over. I also didn't want to dissociate at the end and leave feeling awful without there having been any gain from it happening. It takes a physical toll on me. I struggled to stay present but got through the session. I wonder what I am like when that's happening? I always think I probably just look as cold and blank as usual but T must see something because she asked if I wanted to do some relaxation exercises and started doing grounding exercises with me.

I don't feel in the right head space for tomorrow. I'm so disconnected from this all at the moment. The angry person has been out A LOT lately and this is the alter that I hate so so so much. Life is so horrible when they're around. I'm sure Adam agrees. It's like being posessed by my father. What a horrible thought.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

A owl for my friend

we maked an owl for my friend Ellen with paint and it has got brown and white and yellow just like you wanted and pink as well because little c likes pink too much but its ok. I hope you like pink too ellen and you are happy now and not lonely. i want to be friends. Today i am sad because my friend shouted at me but he said only joking but too late cos little c already cried. [Candycan] helped us do the picture and she helping writing too cos i keep pressing the wrong buttons and she knows how to spell better but i dont care. but she says i have to tell you we copied the picture from a fing on the computer cos thats cheating a bit but i hope you like it anyway ellen and you are smiling.
i go now and see a baby
from Pan

To Ellen, I help too make the owl and all the colours you like and pink too.
from Little C

Hi Ellen, I hope you like this. It was a joint effort between the three of us really. I took the idea (because I have no imagination!) from (thought we better put that in). I hope your little part likes it and you do as well.