Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Somethings wrong

Somethings wrong and I can't put my finger on what it is. I've had this general feeling of restlessness or being unable to settle for some time now. I find myself scratching holes in my skin and picking constantly at my scabs so that they get worse instead of better. I'm eating too much; binge eating; wanting to make myself sick (avoiding doing it with varying degrees of success) and when I get into bed at night, I can't sleep because I'm imagining myself getting up and cutting my wrists and when I wake up in the morning I look at the light shade above my bed and imagine hanging myself.

I took the day off work today, annual leave; just for a rest. It's unusual for me to have a day off without some kind of appointment to attend, whether it's psychology or a hospital appointment. I decided I would just do whatever I felt like doing. Turned out all I felt like doing was absolutely nothing. I don't mean that I watched TV all day or some other lazy activity. I actually spent the day wandering around doing nothing, or sitting doing nothing. just looking at the legs that grew out of me. I felt like I was waiting for the day to pass. I didn't enjoy it; I felt guilty, like there was something I should be doing but doing anything seemed like too much; overwhelming... and I just didn't want to do anything so it would have gone against what I had agreed with myself.

It's not that I am feeling like I don't want to be alive when I am thinking about hanging myself. It's not like I am even considering it in a 'should I or not' kind of way. It's more just like a day dream. The wanting to cut is more of an actual desire but nevertheless, what both mean to me is that somethings wrong.

But what is it? Nothing has changed really. In fact, things on a practical level are better now than they were a few months ago. My energy has been up a bit. My hospital appointments are becoming less frequent; I've had less pain in my knees and less general illness recently. My immune system feels stronger as well. I was even considering trying to lower my antidepressant a few weeks ago as I'm still on quite a high dose. Work is going OK. Things with Adam aren't bad. So what now? What is it?

I've been asking myself this question on and off. Usually it's a concerted effort made to ask myself the question when I am engaging in behaviours. For instance, like today when I ate two chocolate bars, a large helping of ice cream and an entire box of chocolate fingers (1600 calories if you're interested, not including the actual healthy food I ate for meals) and then sat resisting the urge to go and make myself throw up.

I say: "Candy, what are you avoiding or trying to make better by doing this? You're not hungry... what are you really feeling?"

Usually, if I think about it enough, the answer comes to me. This time it isn't coming, except for one possible answer which I immediately dismiss as NOT the reason and I honestly don't know if it is way off. I am reluctant to tell you what it is because you will say: "Ah, yes, of course that's the reason she is not coping well" when you could be as wrong as my brain is for suggesting it to me in the first place as a possible explanation. OK, I'll tell you, but it doesn't mean this is actually it.

Someone who hurt me very, very, very much when I was small instead of wanting to look after me like they should have and continued to do things to hurt me or not do things to make it better right until I last spoke to them has come to live near me when they had lived far away for a number of years. They moved away several years ago and I didn't want them to go but then after a while I realised I was happy I didn't have to see them. Now they are back and I don't want them to be. I don't want to have to think about them AT ALL. I am angry that I even am writing this about them. Why should I waste time thinking about them? Maybe that's why I don't want to admit to myself that I am thinking about them on some level. On some level, I never stop thinking about them. I don't want them to affect me any more and them being back near me does affect me. It's also not going to be simple to avoid them, whether they make any effort directly to see me or not. FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! Grrrr!

I am letting this person affect me... I am making myself fat by eating too much all because of him. Now I'm angry that I've done that to myself and let him keep affecting me. Now I'm angry that I'm angry. I just don't want him in my life. I don't want him near me. I don't want to see his eyes looking at me. I don't want to hear his voice or smell his breath or see his legs or look at his shoes or have to try to think of things to say or to defend myself when he makes belittling comments or have to acknowledge him if he says he wants to have a relationship.


But I don't know what I'm going to do because more than anything, I love him and don't want him to be unhappy. FUCK YOU DAD for what you did to me. I can never be fixed. You broke me and I can't be fixed.