Saturday, 11 June 2011

Controlling myself

Today I made myself throw up after lunch. I've only done that once in the last long time (maybe over a year?) when T told me she was leaving me. Why today? I guess it's to do with the wanting to be dead thing. Being more aware of the fact that there is a part of me who feels that way (I am trying not to be naive) makes me question why I am trying so hard not to do unhealthy things that make me feel better if I will then go and try to kill myself. I guess what I am trying to say is, what's the point in not cutting myself or making myself sick if I am going to die from hanging anyway? Maybe if I do those other things, I won't feel so much like wanting to die? Or maybe that's a fucked up logic. 

I just don't know the answers. I try to just get on with life and avoid unhealthy behaviours and it doesn't seem to help me any. I know that the throwing up issue has always come up at times when I feel most out of control in life. So maybe it's because being aware of the prospect of suicide not being something I may be able to prevent, makes me feel very powerless and this behaviour is something that will help me to feel more in control of at least one part of my life.

I have wanted to write a lot lately. Sometimes I can't focus or care enough to blog and sometimes it's all I want to do. I feel guilty if I post more than a couple of times a week, but I'm really not sure why I should feel guilty about that. Writing on my blog helps me to sort my head out, so it's a good thing isn't it? I used to keep a diary most days. A blog is better in a way because I don't have to worry about my mum reading it and it feels less permanent than something on paper, so in a way it's easier to write honestly. On the other hand, I still like to write on paper sometimes too. It's easier to express some things on paper than on a blog.


JustEliza said...

I've had a lot to say lately too, that I've kept to myself. Same guilty feelings.

Recently I started a new paper journal to write down positive feelings, as I tend to dissociate them the strongest. So, I need practice remembering and holding on to those feelings.

Candycan said...

My comment to you about love was that its hard to admit one wants to be loved when one doesn't feel loveable. It's also hard to be loved when so much energy goes into avoiding being hurt by people who get too close... only I wrote it much more eloquently at the time and it probably made more sense in the wording.

JustEliza said...

Thanks, Candy.