Wednesday, 27 April 2011

I want to be alone, I love my teddy and my friend is a dick

So, I'm thinking something is going on in Candycanland as of late. OK I shouldn't really be surprised; it's probably just the after effects of a really tough session with T last Thursday, but I guess because I haven't been feeling miserable or preoccupied with it since, I thought I was OK. But taking a step back from myself I observe that I am not doing too well really.

I've been off work for Easter and really didn't do anything with my time. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to speak to anyone, I haven't even had the energy to wash (Peuww). I just sat for four days in my own little DID world, figuring myself out. OK so I do need to figure myself out (T seems to think I have been doing too much 'just trying to get on with it' in life) but I'm thinking it's probably not healthy to be doing it instead of EVERYTHING else.

Hubbie dragged me out on Monday for a picnic at the beach. It did feel good to go out but I just had no energy at all. He was chatting and singing in the car but I felt so much that I was using all my energy up on just being in the car going somewhere, that eventually I just had to tell him I didn't have the energy to talk or listen to him. Poor boy.

We sat on the beach for our picnic, me wrapped up in a coat and scarf and blanket, with an umbrella to block the wind and my teddie, Winnie on my lap. I felt maybe slightly concerned that someone I know might see me with a teddy but mainly, I just don't really care anymore. The little kids (alters) couldn't bear the thought of leaving Winnie at home while we went on a picnic, so he came. I think he had a good time too. LOL.

Anyway, it's a difficult yet easy way to be... this not wanting to do anything. I am apathetic. I don't want to see anyone, so I don't feel lonely (loneliness is one of the worst feelings). I know it's not healthy though and when I get like this and start isolating myself from the world, I chip further away at the weak bonds of companionship that I have with others, edging myself further away from friendships and then when I eventually come round again and start to crave company, there is no one left who cares.

My friend Pou (I only have the one friend... how sad) has got a new boyfriend. Since we've been friends she's had more boyfriends than I've had hot dinners (well, not quite: I do like my dinners) but the latest one has been around for a couple of months now which is a record for her in recent years. I guess it's understandable that she would be quite absorbed by it, but I can't help feeling that even more now than ever I am last on her list of people to see. I've always felt a bit like our coffee dates get squeezed in to her tight schedule, but now there's just no room left for me.

We were supposed to spend the day together yesterday; I've seen her only briefly once since I got back from my big trip. Anyway she texted me on Monday evening to say her boyfriend had invited her to spend the day with him so she wouldn't be able to see me after all. She said: "I'm so sorry, I'm such a bad friend."
I managed to muster up some emotion which formed itself into a little flame of hurt and anger and wrote back: "Yeah, you are".

Mostly I felt like it was one less thing I have to do and this part of me was relieved. Having friends is hard work. I hear that person telling me to just dump her cos we don't need people like that in our life and we are better off alone and that's what I want to do, but I know sooner or later I will come out of this phase and feel despair at the loss of my only friend. But is it reasonable for her to treat me this way? I don't know. Maybe I should be more understanding and just try to arrange another day to meet?

I think this self induced isolation contributes towards the intense feelings of attachment I have towards my T. I'm not entirely sure why though. Maybe I'll reflect on that another day.


Pandora said...

This is going to sound awful and I apologise I'n advance for being a twat - thank God someone else finds friendship to be a nuisance! I really thought I was alone in that.

I have three good 'real life' friends. One lives in London so I have an excuse not to see him; one lives a mere few miles away but works two jobs and spends every spare minute with his girlfriend; the third, however, is to all intents and purposes alone in the world apart from his immediate family and me. He works part-time so is available to meet fairly often...but, much as I like him, I find excuses to avoid him on a frequent basis. It's not fair on him, but it's so much effort. I hate being out of the house in crowds and having to force myself to behave like a normal person.

Unfortunately I was stupid enough to give said friend access to my blog, so I can't even whinge there!

Still working through your archives :)

Anonymous said...

New follower with parts. I just came across your blog. I have 0 friends so don't feel bad. I think it's hard with DID to trust, maintain, and be real in relationships. Thank you for being brave enough to share your thoughts. I'll definitely be back!

Anonymous said...

New follower with parts. I just came across your blog. I have 0 friends so don't feel bad. I think it's hard with DID to trust, maintain, and be real in relationships. Thank you for being brave enough to share your thoughts. I'll definitely be back!

Candycan said...

LOL well I'm kinda glad its not just me, not that I'd wish for anyone to feel lonely. I kind of swing between the 'its too much effort' way of thinking and 'ohh I'm so alone!' feeling. I think there are varying opinions in me of what friendship means and should or shouldnt be. I think I also avoid getting close to ppl because I see that as risky; people can hurt you then. Thanks for commenting guys :)