Friday, 15 April 2011

Attachment (part 2)

After my clinical psychology session on Wednesday, I had a big crisis. It hadn't gone badly and I wasn't upset about the material we were covering; but something triggered a meltdown.

While reflecting on the session that evening, part of me felt very angry at being given an appointment for three weeks time and that is reflected in the short post written at the time. After that I began feeling very sad and emotional and what followed was hours of feeling like I had emotionally crashed, crying my eyes out, feeling alone and abandoned, worthless and like I was a burden on the world; thinking about hurting myself and ending my life. I eventually fell asleep sometime in the morning and woke up when my alarm went off, feeling broken... empty.

I had crashed. I rang in sick to work. I very rarely do this as I don't want sick leave affecting my job prospects but I felt unable to do anything; unable to function. Getting out of bed seemed beyond me, never mind doing a day's work. I felt like all the energy I put everyday into living as a normal person and holding myself together was gone and I was left in a dark pit of nothing but emptiness and sorrow... and I didn't know why.

I resolved to stay in bed and never eat again for the rest of my life (which hopefully wouldn't be too long). My husband brought me toast but I felt I didn't deserve to eat it. He was so concerned and asked if there was anything he could do to help. I didn't know what to do. I was scared because in the past, when this very depressed part of me takes over, it goes on for months and becomes a phase of feeling so alone and desolate with only self harm and starving then eating and making myself sick to help me cope. I didn't want this to happen again. I was angry with myself for having crashed when I felt like I was moving forwards. I don't want to be that person.

I asked him if he would ring my T and tell her what had happened. I didn't know if she would be able to help at all but I didn't know what else I could do and I wasn't about to ring her myself and risk an abrupt response telling me we'd talk about it in the next session or that I shouldn't be ringing her. I told him that if she was blunt and unhelpful that I didn't want to know about it and I went back to hiding under the duvet. He went downstairs to make the call...

No comments: