Friday, 15 April 2011

Attachment (part 1)

I wrote this blog post on Tuesday but hadn't posted it before I went to my psychology appointment on Wednesday....

I found myself thinking a lot about my therapist over the last two weeks since my last session. I would go so far as to say I have been 'obsessing' about my therapist.
I don't know why, maybe I have been lonely or a bit down. I have missed her and at times have found the only thing that helps me to feel like things are OK is to think about her. I don't know why this helps and it doesn't seem healthy to be this way. Especially seeing as that she is going to be leaving at some point. Maybe that's part of it.

I don't like feeling so attached to a person. I tend to keep a distance from people in relationships. I guess I learnt that if you get attached you get hurt so I've not allowed friendships to develop that much (probably part of the reason why I don't have any friends). But with T it's just gotten to that stage. I feel SO attached to her, I care about her and it makes me sad that I really don't know anything about her. I find myself wondering what she's doing at any given moment. I imagine her in situations that I'm in and wonder what she would do if it was her or what she'd say if she were here. It makes me feel like a stalker (even though it's just thoughts but you know what I mean?)

I haven't read a lot about transference or attachment; I know very little about them actually but I did come across a few articles that suggested that this is very common in DID and that a lot of people with DID have attachment disorders. The articles suggested that the attachments formed with a therapist can be useful to help them work through the problems if it's handled the right way by the therapist and the client feels secure and boundaries are not breached. Well if my T is leaving surely this means it is going to be really bad for us?

I would like to know why these strong feelings towards her seem to wax and wane as well. For the past two weeks she was always on my mind, never far from my thoughts. I was having to try hard not to think about her. I was even dreaming about her. Then the weekend came and I just forgot about her. Not completely, but to the level of remembrance that I would say is healthy. It did coincide I suppose, with my switch to function mode. I guess that's probably quite relevant.

I wish I could talk to my T about this but I don't feel she would be receptive. I think it would freak her out. Sometimes I get the feeling that she is a bit over cautious of boundaries and it can be a bit hurtful.

It was exactly the same with my first therapist who I only saw for three months. It broke me when he left. I was devastated by the loss and took a long time to be able to deal with everyday life well after he left. I still think about him loads even though he's been gone now for over two years. How can this be? I didn't know the guy one bit. He was a blank slate, yet I felt so attached and so torn apart by his departure and have never been able to let go if it. What the heck is that all about? What the heck is going to happen to me this time?!

I hope I remember to ask T in my appointment tomorrow if she knows yet when she is leaving. I have avoided thinking about it and I think there may be parts of me who don't know she is going. Crazy as that sounds, I think they may be in denial. Some are hoping she has changed her mind.
I wouldn't be surprised if I don't ask her tomorrow as part of me doesn't want to know the answer.

For the few weeks before she told me she was going to be going on 'extended leave' she had been a bit withdrawn or slightly colder and I had wondered if I had done something wrong. I think now that it was just because she was building up to telling me and maybe had been feeling anxious about it. It probably didn't help that a few weeks before she broke the news to me, one of my parts wrote a letter saying that Candycan was scared T was going to leave us the same way everyone else had. I wondered at the time at why she hadn't reassured that part that she wasn't planning on going anywhere but I soon found out why she hadn't.

The last few weeks she has been the same. Slightly distant, withdrawn or even a little cold. It might just be my imagination or a coincidence but I just have an inkling it might be 'the news'. Or maybe she just doesn't like me any more.

No comments: