Thursday, 25 November 2010

Don't we all want to be accepted?

On Monday I woke up feeling more like a more reasonable and straight forward person. I decided to directly ask my friends for reassurance and then wondered why I hadnt done this earlier instead of worrying all weekend. So simple! Incidently, they are still my friends and weren't freaked out or annoyed or anything.

People with D.I.D generally want to be accepted and worry about being abandoned by others. D.I.D is not something I have told many people about. It is probably a big concern for most people with D.I.D that others will think they are making it up and looking for attention or wotnot.

Actually, this is something I have struggled with myself. I have an alter who doesn’t believe in any of the rest of us but thinks they just made it all up and are just really sick in the head for doing something like that.

It’s easy for me to see that it is real because I am well tuned in to much of what is happening now, but when that other alter is out, it is separate from us, all is quiet in their head, there are no other voices, everything is simple and clear and there is nothing at all the matter with Candycan.

They then think about all the hours of NHS money that has gone into trying to help me and feel REALLY guilty. So if I can have my doubts (I say 'I' because I do know that the parts are all me at the end of the day: I just don’t experience them as one person) then I understand how others can too, but reading about people who don’t believe D.I.D exists and believe it is just made up, throws me into a lot of turmoil.

I also understand that because people generally only see one aspect of me that it would come as quite a surprise if I told them there is all this other stuff that goes on that they don’t know about.

Sometimes I am so separate from things myself that it even shocks me to think that I am able to go to work and do my job well and have a chat and a laugh with my colleagues when I might have been up until 4am the night before feeling like I want to die and hurting myself.

I find it a fascinating disorder (if you're going to be crazy, you may as well have something interesting lol) and although sometimes I go through extremely difficult times with it, I am also learning more by the month about the condition and realising how complex the mechanics of it are, yet the mechanics, once you understand them are actually really logical.

If there's anything you would like to know please ask me.


MultipleMe said...

I am so glad that you were able to seek reassurance from your friends. It can be scary to think you have lost a friend due to DID.

I can relate to the times of doubt, where you think "how can this be real"? I am lucky in that my alts have a great sense of community inside & it is hard for my alts to separate themselves. Though I still have alts who have trouble settling with the idea of them being a part. Nadia in particular struggles - you can see it in her poetry.

I also completely agree about it being fascinating. When I read about DID - or even look at my own experiences - I seem to do so with 2 mindsets - the "survivor" who lives with DID and finds it difficult & sometimes scary, and the "psych student" who is just completely curious about DID and in awe of the way our minds work.

btw - I put a link to your blog on my Links page - I hope this is okay - if you would prefer I can take it down - just email me or leave a comment on my blog

Candycan said...

I don't mind at all about the link. I would be nice to have a few more people reading my blog. I guess it is a very specific subject.
I will have to look up some of Nadia's poetry. It's good that your parts have their own names. Some of mine do, other just want my name. They think they are the main person. LoL

MultipleMe said...

I completely understand parts thinking they are the main person, we had this trouble for a long time - and still do sometimes. I have found that by focusing on each of us have roles within our system has made some parts feel less insignificant. I spend less time arguing about it being MY body - we all part of us and I found by letting go of the fights has helped me accept being multiple

Nadia hasnt posted many of her poems and I havent got around to it but there is a small one that shows what I was talking about here -

Candycan said...

I realised I had read Nadias poem before once I looked at it; it's very expressive. It's good to hear about people making progress and learning to comminicate with parts well.