Saturday, 6 November 2010

Internal Conflict, struggling to get on with my day and no milk for my tea

Well, I just cannot predict myself really. I'm just having a bad day, internally. Nothing bad has actually happened, except that my husband used the last of the milk, which is a minor problem really as there's a shop down the road, but because I'm having a bad day, this was enough to tip me over the edge and I found myself hollaring that 'I need milk for my tea!' and running up to my room to hide under the duvet and cry.

O dear, O dear, that does make me sound crazy!

What's happening here I think, is that there is some kind of internal upheaval going on. When I say 'internal' I'm referring to the various personalities that share my body. When I say 'share' I mean, 'struggle and fight to be in contol'. Some alters are in conflict. This can happen without 'my' conscious input but if I stop myself and really try to focus in on who is present and what the problem is, I can sometimes get an idea of what has happened; what the trigger for the conflict was and who is unhappy. It's hard to do this and also, you need to be sure that what you might find out is something you can cope with hearing.

Today, I woke up early and read in bed for a while. I started to notice something was amiss as I was struggling to get out of bed even though I knew in my mind what I wanted to do with my day: go for a swim, do some housework and plan my Christmas shopping list. After lying in bed for a while feeling kind of not right, my husband came in with one of his musical instruments and played me some tunes. I loved this! I felt an internal 'happiness' which very rarely happens. I could sense the presence of a number of parts and all were in agreement that they loved listening to his music (internal agreement is extremely rare!).
But it seemed that it was only a temporary feeling for my alters. I got up eventually and kind of wandered around not being able to decide what to do with myself. Should I have a shower? Should I have a bath? Should I do housework first and have a shower later? Should I go out or stay in? These might seem like basic questions and simple decisions but for me, decisions like this can become completely overwhelming. After a lot of dithering (which included going up to look at the bath and at one point half undressing myself for the shower then redressing), I managed to come up with an intended plan. It was: "Canydan is not having a good day: there's a lot of internal conflict. It's probably not a good idea to be spending time with other people or doing anything potentially stressful therefore the plan is to stay home and take it easy while husband goes out and maybe have a bath in the afternoon if in the mood."

I spent a few minutes trying to focus in on which parts were unhappy but it was hard to really focus myself. I sense that Little C was unhappy because she had been looking forward to going swimming and wanted to go out today. Motherly C then helped out by explaining to Little C that we are very tired today and that we need to just have a rest but that we would go swimming tomorrow morning and then it would be less busy too, so more fun. I think this helped a little. Another part; I'm not sure which, was feeling very guilty about the prospect of staying in the house and doing whatever 'I' feel like. This is a harder part to pacify but it was helped when my husband told me he'd need to take the car to help out his parents so it meant we would be unable to go out anyway. Now we didn't have a choice but to stay in the house, it was easier to feel calm.

Now I am alone; there's new milk in the fridge, husband has left and it's just 'us' and the cat. When there is a lot going on inside me it's usually better that I am alone because I am not able to explain my sudden mood shifts and my husband always wants to know what is wrong and what he has done wrong. He knows I have DID but I think he still forgets that it is unpredictable and not about him.

Nothing happens without a reason though. Today, I don't know what the cause for this internal conflict was. Did I have a bad dream last night? Am I just tired? Is it because I know my father is visiting the country and I'll have to see him but really don't want to? Am I becoming depressed again? Who knows?

I tend to be hard on myself and get frustrated with my lack of motivation when this is happening. This can either cause me to switch to function mode, which will mean I will get the housework done after all, or it will mean I will spend the day trying to drag myself around to do housework but probably won't achieve much and will feel depressed and exhausted.

My clinical psychologist suggested recently that when I feel this way, maybe I should just take it easy and do whatever I feel like. It never occurred to me but now that she has said that, it's like I've been given permission to be nice to myself and I am finding it a lot easier to manage my struggles, by not adding another one onto them by forcing myself to stick to a plan.

Wish me luck for my Saturday.


ANGELO said...

Wow! such an interesting post. You're brave enough to be open about it and I think a lot of people will be informed and educated of shared experiences. Way to go!

MultipleMe said...

Its ok to have bad days, they dont make you crazy - just human (maybe thats the same thing).

Know its ok to treat yourself, all of you - each part of you deserves it. Have a wonderful weekend!

Candycan said...

Thanks Gelovsky and Multiple Me. I am just finding comments I didnt know where here. Sorry for the delay!