Sunday, 30 October 2011

Scrawlings in the night

I have typed up something I scrawled down last night when I was having a moment of sudden insight into how bad things really are. It's not very eloquent and I was frustrated even when writing it because I felt I couldn't 'get out' how things are. Basically, what I was trying to say is that I keep trying to keep going with life in the hopes that I am going to get better, but sometimes when I take a moment to question what I have in life, where my life is going or if there is any hope for me, I feel things are not looking good for me.

"I don't know if this is function mode. This place I have been for months now. I am so detached from myself. I can't relate to DID; to the sessions. I try to reflect but I can't. I think I feel nothing, am numb, don't care, am not alive: but it doesn't add up at the same time because I am all over the place emotionally: angry so often. So angry I feel I will physically explode if I can't get it out of me. It makes me hurt myself . I can't stand to be with other people because I'm so angry I want to hurt them. I want to hurt Adam. He annoys me so much and then I imagine myself physically hurting him and then I'm appalled and full of guilt and want to pull him to me and hug him because even at the same time, the thought of him being hurt is so awful. I love him and hate him at the same time. I just want this anger to pass. I'm still separate from myself even with this horrible rage inside me. I feel numb at the same time. It's impossible to explain. I want to rip my skin open with a knife and pull out my veins at the same time as I'm thinking that I have no feelings left. I want to cry. I need to cry, but I can't because truly crying would break me down to a despair I find it hard to function with. So I'm stuck in a state of 'almost crying' where tears come out but I can't truly let go and cry. Again, impossible to explain; I'm just a complete contradiction. I have feelings I can't stand yet am numb and separate. I'm angry but feel dead. I want to connect but am scared of what's happening inside. I want to know what 'others' know but at the same time am so afraid and at the same time also don't believe there is anything to know and again at the same time, don't believe in 'others'. I feel overwhelmed by ten different feelings yet believe I am separate. I believe I'm in function mode or drifting along yet am often resisting strong desires to cut myself and finding comfort in thoughts of suicide.
I feel I can't continue this way. One moment I am despairing and on the edge, the next, not believing there's a thing wrong with me. I don't know which state is the easiest. I feel now more than I have in a while, that there is little hope for me in life, when I truly let myself consider how I am and my future. It is clear that I am really not doing well at all. Yet I only allow myself this insight for a short while and then carry on with my blindfold on and my purpose of 'getting through the day'. But why? My only purpose for keeping going is so that the bills get paid. Is this really what life is about? Is it possible to love life?"

I need to question what I have in place to help me cope at the moment. Therapy weekly: it's not enough. I don't have energy for much in the way of doing enjoyable things. I need to consider if now is the time for me to think about starting again on some kind of medication. There are so many cons to taking antidepressants and do I really want to go back that way? But am I really doing myself any favours by thinking I'm coping OK without them?


ellen said...

I remember when I was living with my ex, how angry I would get at him. I'd picture him run over by a truck, in gruesome and bloody detail....And at the same time, I knew whatever he'd done, it didn't deserve a bloody and gruesome death. So I know how you feel about anger that seems 'too much'.

I think you are eloquent actually. I feel the confusion and despair coming through.

I wonder if this is maybe not so much the one and only insight into your life, but a piece of it only. I really think there's an awful lot to be said for coping. Of course you don't want to just cope all the time, but you are doing very very well considering what you have to deal with. You have a responsible job, an important relationship....Those are really good things IMO. I think you are very creative in the way you are able to cope despite the pain of your past. Hope you can give yourself some credit for that.

I often feel some of the same confusion you describe though, so I do know where you are coming from.

take care

Anonymous said...

Wow Candycan! What you wrote could have been written by me. That's exactly how I feel. Oh to find someone who feels the same. Thank you so much for sharing !!!!
Erica x