Thursday, 27 October 2011

Don't make me question my memory

Sometimes in my job I find that people lie to me. It doesn't bother me that people lie to me. I can see why they do it: because they are ashamed to tell the truth about themselves or don't want to hear the advice that would come from me if they told me the truth. Patients lie to me. I support other workers as part of my role, individuals working in other areas of health... they lie to me too.

One thing I do mind though, which happens more than I would have expected, is people who lie to me by telling me I told them something I didn't. Want a for instance?

OK, for instance, I tried to get in touch with a patient to arrange an appointment with them and found I didn't have the correct telephone number for them, so I sent out a letter asking them to contact me before a deadline date to arrange an appointment, or I would discharge them. I heard nothing from the patient for weeks. Today, several days after the deadline, they rang my office and told someone that I had arranged to go and see them but didn't show up. I asked to speak to the individual on the phone and questioned them about when they had rang, who they spoke to and what was arranged. Now, perhaps you are thinking that as I have dissociative identity disorder, maybe another alter did this and didn't inform me? It wouldn't be the first time this has happened at work but I have developed a pretty good system now of record keeping which allows me to check what has been done or said ie I try to record ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. If I, or any of my alters had spoken with this patient, they or I would have a) made a note of the appointment, b) made a note of the new contact details and c) not have made the appointment time that this individual told me I made because it was not at a time that would have suited me.

It's almost worse in a way when it's other health care workers that do it. I had a lady who rang my department to say I had promised her a place on a training course I was running the next day. I checked my records and found a note saying that I had informed her that she had been too late in sending back her registration and that there were no places available. Again, my blood boiled. It's so hard to be polite and say that they have misunderstood when I feel like yelling down the phone: "Don't you FUCKING lie to me!"

I don't mind being lied to but this INFURIATES me and it's simply because of the DID. Isn't my life hard enough, managing a life where I regularly find that I have done things I have absolutely no memory of? Isn't it tough enough that I have to write down every tiny minuscule detail of my day so that if another part is out during working hours they can know what has and hasn't been done? Isn't that hard enough without patients
who are just too fucking proud to ring up and admit that they are sorry they missed the deadline and could I still see them? I try to rationalise it in the same way I do other kinds of lies: they are only lying because it's important to them that I see them and they don't want to risk me saying 'tough luck' and discharging them. I try to remember that but it doesn't stop my blood from boiling because I am trying fucking hard enough and I don't need people throwing me into self doubt about how I am managing life with alters. It's hard enough.

 I can live with people lying to me, but I don't want people doing it in a way that implies I am in error. I'm sure it appears strange to my colleagues that I get so angry every time this happens. I go on a rant about how it's disgraceful that people lie this way. I don't think they really get why it annoys me so much.


Ruth said...

My sister is not DID and she had the same thing happen with a customer that said she hadn't given him the information when she had, he didn't write it down. Trying to work with DID makes it that much tougher. I also have a narcissistic in my life that uses this type of gaslighting to purposely put me in the wrong. I get really furious. I think your ability to write things down and the others knowing what it means is awesome.

Candycan said...

It's terrible that someonein your life would purposely do that. i have to trust that my husband is being honest when i ask who did this or that and he says that i did it. he could easily use this aspect of my did to his gain. at least with me it's people i don't really know. I'm sorry for you.