Well, after the overwhelming response (ha!) to the EMDR question I posted previously I am once again back to gather my thoughts before my next session with T which falls tomorrow. I was with her on Friday just gone, so it hasn't been that long since I last saw her, nevertheless it still feels like a lifetime ago.
Friday's session was first thing and I'd woken up feeling really rough. After some horrific vomiting and diarhhoea I managed to pull myself together to get to the session but I looked a state as by the time I'd finished heaving and hurling, I didn't have time for more than a quick wash. It's funny, because even though I've been going to therapy for years, I find I always make an extra effort to look presentable on therapy days. I guess it's just because I know someone I know will be scrutinising me (as opposed to my lack of effort when it's patients scrutinising me). I wish I didn't bother so much about worrying about it. In fact, it would probably be a useful insight forT to see me on my off days when I look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards.
The session was kind of different because we were talking about my nieces and nephews for a good part of it and I was reflecting on my worries about each of them. T gave me some good encouragement and advice about how I can be a support to all of them. Although it was helpful to discuss this, it didn't leave much time at the end of the session before T asked me if I'd had any further thoughts about EMDR. I expressed, in an astonishingly flat tone (probably due to feeling like I'd been sapped of all energy after the random sickness) that I was feeling more anxious about how things would go if EMDR doesn't work for me. To be honest, I'm struggling to really remember what we did talk about, except that I remember her asking about little Ebony and this caused some internal stirring and I struggled very hard not to switch. I was disappointed because switching to Ebony or Little Ebony would be fantastic in that it's important that they get to communicate with T, however, I knew the session was coming to an end and I didn't want things to run over. I also didn't want to dissociate at the end and leave feeling awful without there having been any gain from it happening. It takes a physical toll on me. I struggled to stay present but got through the session. I wonder what I am like when that's happening? I always think I probably just look as cold and blank as usual but T must see something because she asked if I wanted to do some relaxation exercises and started doing grounding exercises with me.
I don't feel in the right head space for tomorrow. I'm so disconnected from this all at the moment. The angry person has been out A LOT lately and this is the alter that I hate so so so much. Life is so horrible when they're around. I'm sure Adam agrees. It's like being posessed by my father. What a horrible thought.