Sunday, 9 October 2011

Quick update on the 'not believing I have DID' issue

I know I only posted yesterday but I just found this writing which I did last week and didn't post for some reason so thought I would put it on as a brief update on my status with regards the whole separateness from alters I have been experiencing lately. I try not to post too often because I think people will get sick of me and stop reading, but at the moment my confidence is pretty low about my blogging skills in general and as I have convinced myself that no one is reading it anyway, I guess there is no harm in me posting as much shit on here as I feel like! So here goes...

I have been out of my phase of not believing I have DID since last week! Great news! Although I'm not sure if it's just a temporary glitch in the what I thought was going to be permanent 'phase', so I am desperately trying to make mental notes about what I have been experiencing this week to remind myself that the others are still in there. It's real alright, even if it feels unreal. I need to remember that. 

I don't know what the trigger was that brought me out of it, but I don't know if it's a coincidence that two things occured at work this week which took a bit of pressure off me in terms of stress levels. One was getting an interview over and done with that I'd been dreading and the other was a date for training that I have to deliver being changed to one month later on than I had planned it for, given me more time to prepare myself. This has temporarily eased the pressures on me. I am still under huge pressure but I guess even though small changes were enough to cause a temporary sudden relief, which maybe gave me more head space to cope with 'others'. I don't know if that's the cause, but I welcome them back, even though they bring both emotional and physical pain with them. It's just reassuring to know I wasn't lying about them before (does that sound weird: that someone might wonder if they had lied? Don't people always know if they are lying? Is it just another DID thing: being so changeable that you don't know what's real or not?).

Just to update on the update, since I wrote that about a week ago, I don't know where things stand now ie if I have gone back into the phase or not. I guess time will tell. I am still planning on talking about the rest of my last therapy session on Monday but seeing as my next therapy session isn't going to be until Friday this week, there isn't any rush to get it down on paper (or text I suppose).

Over and out


ellen said...

Well CC, I'm reading at any rate, and I think it's fine to post every day if you feel like it. I find it can be so helpful to get things out on the blog.

I really identify with the denial problem - I go back and forth on whether the parts are really real also. And I miss them if they stop talking for a long time.

I never think you have lied BTW - you make too much sense to me. Glad you don't think you lie either, at this point. cheers

Candycan said...

Thanks Ellen. That's reassuring. I think we are very similar in how we experience parts. I'm glad someone is reading my blog too. i do't know why it matters to me but it does!

Ruth said...

I am reading too. My daughter asked me why I lie all the time. Really threw me for a loop. When I found out I was switching and each one had a different opinion, her perspective made sense. I still wonder sometimes if what I remember is real or not. It is confusing. Your blog is yours to do as you feel needed. Seems like people that need to hear your voice usually get to it.

TWCrew said...

I read, but through an RSS reader, so your stats don't show those people. Keep posting :-)