Ever feel like with some people, it doesn't matter how hard you try to do the right thing, it's always going to be wrong? I feel like that with my team leader at work. I double check everything I do with those above me when I'm unsure, so as to make sure I am doing the right thing... but I still get it wrong! Today she pulled me aside. First off, I was annoyed because she didn't give me any warning but just approached me and requested that I join her in a meeting right away, not telling me what it was about. This is unprofessional at best and at worst could actually be called bullying. Yes, bullying, which surprises me but as I have been bullied in the past, I have read a lot about it and one thing a bully might do is not give people notice for meetings or time to prepare. I did well to stand my ground, telling her that I was in the middle of something and asked what was it about. She lied to me that it was about a form I have to fill in.
After about two minutes of sitting at her desk looking at me, she asked me how long I was going to be before I'd be ready to meet so I gave in a went to her stupid meeting. She had actually gone to the trouble of booking an interview room out. She talked about the form for about one minute before telling me that the real reason she wanted to talk to me was because I had sent back two patient referrals to the sender because they had no information on them about why they had been referred and that this was wrong. I should have rang the referrer and got the information. I explained that this is not written anywhere on the instructions for how to process referrals and that I was doing as I had been instructed to do at the start and that I had also checked it out with a senior member of staff and been advised to do as I did and that I had in fact rang the referrer and wasn't able to get through so sent it back to request more information.
A pretty good argument? NO! Not good enough for her. Apparently I should have held on to them and followed it up again on Monday. I explained that as I knew I was out of office all day on Monday, I thought it would be more time efficient to sent it back as I wouldn't have been able to ring. This wasn't good enough either. I could go on and on explaining her logic and my logic but the fact is she wasn't going to accept that I did what I judged to be best and that maybe she would have done it differently but that it's not necessarily wrong. It just went on like this and I was getting more and more upset.
In the end I gave off that things need to be written down in black and white because I'm trying to do my best but no matter who I ask, there's going to be someone telling me to do it differently! I don't know why I bothered trying to get my point across because she just argued, argued, argued with me. I was fucking raging and hurt and confronted and trying so hard to hold it together and not burst into tears while she sat there staring at me and telling me it wasn't a big issue.
I went to the toilets afterwards and couldn't stop the tears from seeping out of my eyes. I hated crying about this but it just seems like I can't do any right with her. I had to pull myself together though and get back to the office and I guess I just tried to put it aside but thinking about it now I am starting to cry again. I am doing my best. I feel like so much of my work is kept vague and grey and I like things to be clear. I try to make things clear but it's never right. I don't like being told I'm doing things wrong when I have no clear guidance as to how I should be doing things.
I'm angry with myself for being upset, but I guess it's because my confidence in my own abilities is so low at times that things like this just serve to remind me of how hopeless and incompetent I really am.
And where the fuck was Grace when I needed her?!