Last week's clinical psychology session, a mouse and a job interview

It's T day tomorrow and I've just realised that I don't think I told you about last weeks session.

The session last Friday was a lot easier for me, in terms of emotions and physical aftermath. Normally, I feel really anxious during the sessions and usually have fluey type aches and pains for the rest of the day afterwards and headaches etc. This week I felt like I was talking more about myself with T, as though I were someone else and we were reflecting together on this other person. It made it a lot easier because we could discuss things without me feeling anything. Not that we talked about anything too difficult.

We were thinking more about EMDR and about what the future holds in terms of therapy. I expressed that my fear is that if EMDR doesn't work for me I will be discharged and told I can't be helped. I feel confused by T's response. At first she said that she wouldn't be doing that and then later on she said that she wouldn't think of it in terms of  'can't be helped' but more in terms of 'maybe now's not the right time and a break from therapy would be needed...or a second opinion'. What does she mean by 'a second opinion'? Does she mean, if she can't help me she would send me to see someone else? I feel like she contradicted herself a bit. First she said she wouldn't be discharging me and then she said that therapy can't go on forever and that I would be told to 'take a break'. Huh? I don't like this and it's made me worried, but then I just think, hopefully I don't need to worry because hopefully EMDR is going to help me. I am confused about something though... if EMDR is to help a person process traumatic memories, don't they need to know what those memories are first?

In other news, my cat brought a mouse in through the downstairs bathroom window today while I was out. My husband shut the cat in the bathroom with the mouse and when he opened the door later the mouse was gone so he concluded that the cat must have eaten the mouse. When I came home I noticed the cat seemed to be still looking around behind the toilet for the mouse and I remarked that this seemed strange if he had eaten the mouse. Later, we discovered the mouse hiding in the hand towel (yikes!) and my husband shook it out and it ran out and up the hallway. My cat started chasing it around while Adam and I hopped about trying to shoo them towards the front door. I was screaming my lungs out, especially when it ran right up to me and over my foot! It was huge! The poor cat didn't know whether to try to catch the mouse or run away from the screaming Candy. I just couldn't help it! Eventually the mouse ran out the front door and the cat went to follow but couldn't have been that hungry because when he saw the rain he made an about turn and came back in! He's definitely miffed though that the gift he brought home for us got away!

In other, other news, I came second again in this years interviews for my job. The way the NHS work a lot of the time is to just interview once a year for the job title I do and then make a waiting list which they use to offer any jobs to people as they come up. That's how I ended up doing the job I'm seconded to at the moment. Last year was the first year I went for the interviews. I didn't bother before because I didn't think I stood a chance and then I came second out of hundreds! This year I went again, because although I am now working in the job, it's only supposed to be until the end of the year and so I need to reapply in case anything else comes up. But I felt like I didn't have a hope and was really worried I'd done badly afterwards. I was surprised to come second again! It is more evidence to me of the DID than any internal voices, because I know I am not capable of doing the job I do and doing it so well. It's not me being modest, please understand. I actually couldn't do it because I don't have the knowledge. Someone else holds it and the skills too. I'm just glad that someone seems to know what they're doing!