Friday, 4 November 2011

Crisis... meltdown...breakdown... temporary glitch

The past weeks have been hard and getting harder. Work is getting me down for a number of reasons and things are going on internally. I have been struggling to articulate how I feel. On wednesday night I had some nightmares which were triggered off by hearing a news story and they have been playing on my mind. I have been having some strange pains inside me too...inside my bum. Last night I had a fight with Adam and I think that has been the straw that broke the camel's back really. When Adam rejects me I feel hopeless. I feel he is the only good thing in my life. I hate myself that I make his life so difficult by being me. I lay in bed last night crying and holding a blade to my arm, willing myself to cut it really deeply but doing no more than light damage. Ebony was out. She wrote an email to my T in the middle of the night:

"T, i don't know what else to do that doesn't involve damage Is there hope for me? what do i have left to live for? Adam says he doesn't like me anymore. i have no one else really. my comfort is the image of what i want to do to ease this and fix things for good so i won't be a burden anymore. I feel hated. i hate myself. i hate myself for writing to you. i don't want to feel so alone and in a way i feel like your help is my only hope. if your help can't help i wonder if anything else could. I'm trying not to think about what i want to do to myself just now. I'm trying not to think about the nightmares. The pains are reminding me and questioning my memory. it feels real. I'm scared. My body hurts in places. Bad things happen to little girls and it makes me hurt. I want to tell you the dream. i want to run away. i hope you can help me"

I didn't go to work today. I had already planned to take friday off because things have been so hard for me this past while and I felt I just needed a day off to recharge. I don't know how I would have managed the day if I had've needed to go in because things have been pretty bad. I feel catatonic. I lay in bed for hours after I woke up. Adam tried to make friends with me and I said we could be friends but I felt very down. I sat in the garden with my head sagging onto my chest while we had breakfast. I moved onto the sofa where I lay curled up in a pile with a blanket over my head.
I wondered if T had gotten my email. Around lunchtime Adam rang T to say things weren't good and she asked to speak to me. It was hard to speak to her; I felt I had no answers to her questions. I guess she was trying to establish what the risks were. She said she wondered if I needed to have an urgent assessment by a psychiatrist. I think she was looking for me to tell her if I thought this was needed. She was asking if I felt there was a risk I would do something. I said I didn't know but I hoped not. I've been thinking about hanging myself constantly, but that's a far cry from doing it. I don't plan to, but I also can't speak for everyone else inside. She asked about the dreams. I couldn't really say much except that it was about a little girl... I was struggling to get out anymore than that. She asked: "were things done to her?" I said yes. We talked about the pains I've been having and how I'm feeling emotionally and T asked if I felt this was a part that was more to the fore at the moment. Yes. She suggested that I needed some medication to help me settle so that I can get through the weekend. We talked through the options. T was keen for me to speak to my doctor. I said I had some diazepam which I could take and would contact the out of hours doctor at the weekend if it didn't help. She told me to mention her name and that she had recommended I contact them if I did. She was very nice and said it sounded like I was going through a difficult time and part of it is trying to sit with it but that medication would probably help until I see her on Monday morning. She said some things about the dreams triggering memories of trauma that parts hold. I tried to explain how it was confusing because the dreams disturbed me and the pains seemed to be linked but I don't remember things like that happening... but instead someone else spoke and said 'I think so too'. She was worried that I would be on my own as Adam was going out. She asked why Adam was worried enough to ring her. I explained that he probably isn't used to seeing me this way, which is very different. She asked if he was worried I would self harm. I guess he is. She asked if I'd told him I self harmed today. I said I hadn't. She asked if he was worried I'd end my life. I said I doubted he knew I felt that way. I felt guilty for burdening him and her with it all but she said she was glad we rang. She explained that she had sent an email to my work email asking me to ring her but hadn't realised I wouldn't be at work to get it. I was glad to hear this because it was nice to know she cared. I apologised for being a hassle and she said 'not at all'. She said she wants to talk about things more on Monday and assess what I need and wants to do some EMDR to help me feel safe and did I think that would be helpful. I said I hoped so.
I felt a bit better afterwards. A bit of hope. Just a small amount. Adam made me a bed on the sofa and I cuddled my teddies and watched my favourite film ever: the Grinch. I also took two diazepam although I don't feel any different for having taken them. I'm thinking now I should have taken T's advice and rang my doctor. I hope I'll be OK though. I can ring the out of hours GP if need be. I might switch and feel much better soon. It's hard when Ebony is around. It's hard to tolerate the emotions. I switched for a while when Adam put the Grinch on. Little C came out and felt very happy but at the same time I felt the others there. Many emotions. Now that has passed. I feel very down and drained and lifeless. Hopeless. Adam is gone out. I've been thinking about glass and my arms a lot. But I am just thinking. I've been thinking about it constantly since last night so hopefully I will be OK and this will pass. As I said to T, I will probably be back to my old self by Monday. It's just a glitch.


Ruth said...

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. News and images can be so triggering. One of the things I do when I feel like this is survive 5 minutes at a time. I figure I can do anything for 5 minutes. A little hope is helpful. Please, hang on to that hope.

Candycan said...

Thank you for this tip Ruth. I will try that. I am also trying to remember that I've felt worse before and survived.

I've just rang the out of hours GP and spoke to a lovely Doctor who couldn't understand why I am not sharing all my problems with my family so that they can support me. He was reluctant to give me any medication but is going to give me some sleeping tablets for the weekend and told me to up the dose of the diazepam that I tried earlier. He also talked about referring me to the mental health team that my mum works in. Yikes!

ellen said...

Thinking of you Candycan. I'm glad you and Adam phoned your T and that it helped you a bit. The Grinch movie sounds fun! (kid)

Hang in there. Adam does sound like a caring partner, hope he can help you through it. It will get better. That GP doesn't sound like he has much of a clue though. take care

Candycan said...

Thanks Ellen, you're right, he didn't really understand although he was surprisingly caring and compassionate which is not as common as it should be in GPs here. I don't know what it's like in other countries but here GPs are treated like God and some of them seem to think they are God. Anyway, he did his best although I guess really what I was looking for was something to knock me out until Monday. Feeling OK at the moment anyway.
Adam is caring. Last night he told me he didn't like me anymore and it really upset me but he said he was just angry and to be fair, sometimes I say things like that to him when I'm angry, but I know I don't mean them. When he says them to me its confirmation of all I believe about myself: that I'm unloveable.
If you haven't seen the Grinch you should definitely buy the DVD. It's a really heartwarming film and funny too (as long as u like Jim Carrey)

Anonymous said...

Hi Candycan. Hope u r feeling a bit better 2 day. If my husband and I have an argument it always throws me cos I'm just waiting for the day that he ll give up on me. I feel unloveable too and sometimes I can't understand why he stays and puts up with me. But we all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment and I think we r all a bit hard on ourselves when we feel hurt. Just keep holding on to the thought you will feel better again soon and take it easy this weekend and rest and look after yourself.
Hope you don't mind me writing here!
Best wishes,

Candycan said...

Hi Erica, thanks for the encouragement. Of course I don't mind you writing on here. It brightens up my day to get comments on my blog. Although I keep it for myself, a big part of it too is so that I can feel connected to other people who relate to me and I can relate to.