So, how have we been? I will try to be succinct. I have been really really really stressed with work. Yesterday was a huge day for me, where I was delivering training to a large group of people... training that I have been organising for weeks, entirely on my own. I won't go into details but I think to tell you that the amount of overtime I have done in the last few weeks would be enough to give me four whole days off work in time in lieu might give you an idea of how much I needed to get done for this course. After the day ended yesterday, I was asleep by 7pm. I needed it! Two more training days to do next week and then I am pretty sure I will feel like a new woman.
Mentally, things are still weird in my head. I am feeling a bit separate from it all so not really able to explain what is going on, but it is weirdness. I feel very detached but still aware that stuff is happening. I think the daily headaches and nausea are related to mental problems. Before I started going to clinical psychology I would get sick often (at least once a week, often everyday for several days) with these strange ailments: usually really bad headaches, vomiting and/or nausea, pains and migrainey symptoms. Quite often if I threw up I would instantly start to feel better. I'm pretty sure it's more of a symbolic release of stress and tension than that there is anything bad in my stomach. Since going to therapy, the frequency of these things has reduced a lot.
I don't usually induce vomiting when I feel ill; it just builds to the level where it happens and then I will generally fall asleep. There are a couple of other things that can really help when I feel so ill: one is complete distraction. By this I mean, drag me out to the cinema. It's not something I ever feel like doing when I'm sick but it sometimes helps, but not always.
The other thing that helps is an orgasm.The prospect of one of these is equally not something I would be keen for. I am unlikely to want one of those at the best of times, so throwing up can seem like an easier option... What does it say about me that I'd rather vomit than have an orgasm? Orgasms are good aren't they?
I think pleasurable feelings are so rare for me that I find them almost unbearable to tolerate. It's hard to explain. Maybe that's a topic for another day and a more insightful person than this particular version of me. Anyway, if it goes on for long enough where I have tried everything else and nothing is helping, masturbation is a last resort and will also cause me to feel a release of whatever the badness is and then I will fall asleep. Incidently, sex doesn't give me a release. It stirs the dark ones.
Anyway, back to the weirdness (or the other weirdness). My mind is on the edge of something. Others are active without me. I am not the constant watching eye anymore; I know they are there, but I don't know what they are doing or thinking or saying. I can hear the chatter, but I am not making it out. There is constant music in my mind blocking me from them. Is it that I have lost awareness or is it that I am more aware of my lack of awareness (gold star if you can get your head around that sentence!)? Either way, it's OK. I don't mind. I feel less responsibility for them now. Could it be that in talking to T about how I didn't want to have to be in charge all the time; it has effected some sort of change in this aspect? Have I let go a bit? Have the others pulled away from me a bit? Shouldn't this be a bad thing: increased separateness? Why does it feel better then? I know why! Because, I don't have to deal with all of their shit. But I'm scared too, because I know things are happening and there is movement and I don't know what that will mean for us all.
I do feel less scared than this time last week though. I feel like the sudden urges to do harmful things have eased a bit. That's not to say the thoughts aren't still there. I just haven't felt so compelled to act on them for the main part.
2 comments:
I can completely relate to what you're saying about experiencing pleasure. I think that anyone who has been traumatised - in any shape or form - finds it difficult to accept that they're even allowed to enjoy things (especially if the trauma was incurred as a young child).
On a similar note, it has always been compliments that have been very difficult for me. Even now when I'm weller than I have been for years, I still find almost any compliment utterly cringe-worthy. My therapist kept banging on about what "a wonderful person" he believes I am, and I was consistently mortified by it. Today, my CPN kept using words like 'delighted', 'really pleased' etc etc in relation to my progress and I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
I think wariness of compliments is a fairly common thing, even amongst normals, but in my case it's almost pathological.
Anyway, I know things still aren't great (and work seems a nightmare), but I'm glad that at least the self-harm/suicidal thoughts are at least a bit reduced. I hope that continues and that you're given a bit of a break - at work, physically and in your head!
Take care
Pan x
Thanks Pan for the kind wishes. Wow, I wish my therapist would offer some feedback like that! I can't help feeling like I must be the bain of her life. I know it can be hard to accept compliments. I feel the same way too but I was taught at a young age by my father that if someone offers a complement we should just thank them and not throw it back at them. So I'm generally OK outwardly in that case but I do find it hard too. If my husband tells me I'm beautiful it's almost like a reminder of how ugly I feel so I end up cringeing and exclaiming that I am disgusting and repulsive and that he must be blind!
Post a Comment