I've been feeling ill the last few days. I'm not sure if it's because of an actual infection of some sort or if it's stress related. I haven't had much sleep lately so it could be over tiredness. At the moment I have some bad stomach cramps but at least my headache has eased off thanks to my old friend ibuprofen (I should buy shares).
The last week or so I have been having really weird dreams. I can't always remember them well but I wake up with a sense of something strange having been the content. Sometimes I dream that I have to engage in some kind of sex with someone from my family (not always the same person but usually one of three specific people). Obviously, this is really disturbing and I feel freaked out at the prospect. In the dream though I am always just trying to get on with it and get over the feelings of repulsion because I know it is something I 'should' do. I never stop and think: "Hang on, this isn't something I 'should' do; this is really wrong. Why don't I just say 'no'?"
I've had this dream a few times over the last week. It's horrible and scares me. The images of last night's version of this dream keep popping into my head today: trying to kiss that mouth when I want to run away; my body doing all the right things while my mind is screaming for me to stop. The scenes don't just go through my mind as dreams, sometimes they're there when I'm awake, like a waking dream that I can't stop. They are more likely to happen when I'm eating; if someone touches me (e.g. if a family member gives me a hug or if Ad wants to be intimate) or if I hear about 'bad things' (I still can't type those words).
It's hard to think about all of this and stay focussed. Thinking about it makes me feel ill. A lot of my energy in life goes into avoiding it. Today I seem to be braver than other days. I am able to write about this without really allowing the images to interfere too much at the moment. When I can tolerate thinking about it, I try to push how long I can stay on the subject. Most of the time when images like that come into my head I block them out as quickly as I can or I feel too anxious and sick. Sometimes though (not very often) I feel stronger and try to look at them and keep my mind open. I tell myself: "Try to remember." Sometimes I feel like I'm right on the edge of remembering but it always gets too scary and I shut it down again. I don't think I'll ever be strong enough to get through that. Or maybe there's nothing to get through.
Despite all the intrusions of images, the feelings in my body, the anxiety and the other people inside me who are so troubled, who the research would say are there as a result of something bad happening... I still end up thinking that it's not possible that those things could be real. I still tell myself I've made it all up. I know my parents loved me. I know they did their best for me. I can't see how those things could fit in. But there are bad things I do remember and how do they fit in with 'love'? I go round in circles.
That's enough now.