Monday, 20 June 2011

This is not a real post

My last post was way too long. Even I was put off proof reading it by the length of it so I totally don't blame you for not reading it. I would normally split a post that long in two but I wanted to get all the fathery stuff out on Father's Day so that I could forget about it all today!
Needless to say, I am glad to see the day over despite having to bite my tongue a few times in work today when people were chatting about it. I felt like telling everyone to stop fucking rubbing it in. Anyway, it's OVER now so let's move on Candy...

This is not a real post. I just felt like reviewing the last two weeks briefly because it is T day again tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about going tomorrow. A bit nervous (normally I don't feel nervous in advance: I look forward to going but turn into a quivering bag of jelly as soon as I step into the waiting room) I suppose. I'm nervous in case T wants to talk about the suicide thing again. I feel far from it all now so I don't know if getting myself close to it again will be easy. It stirs parts of me that I like to ignore most of the time.
I'm also nervous because of all the shifting in my mind recently; because I feel less in control of it so more at liberty for others to come out in the session. Others meeting T is something they have wanted to happen and I've wanted to happen but haven't been able to let happen because of a need to monitor and be in control all of the time. I feel my ability to do this may be decreasing and although I think this is a relief in some ways it also makes me more scared because I know it brings the potential for heavy stuff which is exhausting.

I have been in function mode a lot lately (not when blogging but most of the rest of the time), so my feelings about a lot of things are hard to remember. I don't feel pissed off about T's lack of response to my email anymore. Logically I still disapprove but I don't have the feeling about it anymore. I don't feel angry (although I think I probably am still on some other level). I just don't really care. So I'm guessing I might not even mention it. Who knows though; I am so fickle, I could be feeling completely differently in an hour's time never mind tomorrow.

How I've been feeling emotionally of late has been very separate to how my actions would represent how I have been. Does that sentence make any kind of sense? Basically I could say, I'm feeling nothing and not thinking much, therefore things must be OK for me. But if I were to note how I have been in other ways, it's not good. For one thing, the amount of blog posts I have been spewing out suggests that some part of me is thinking, even if in general I feel switched off and numb. My actions over the last while would also suggest something is going on: making myself sick, withdrawing from the world, thinking about death, finding myself awake at all hours, freaking out when someone speaks if I'm not expecting it, crying (I don't usually do that), my general lack of making an effort to look decent most of the time and my overwhelming anxiety at the prospect of doing anything other than lying curled up in a ball when not at work. These aren't such positive signs. I tend to forget about these things and think everything is sunshine and lollipops because I don't feel bad at that particular moment and then I'm surprised when I find myself lying in a heap feeling like I have been sat on by an elephant the next moment.
That's all for now. I suggest you ignore this post and listen to the Doris Day video posted by one of the others. It's much more interesting than my self absorbed tripe. Well, if you've gotten this far, it's obviously too late for that advice. Wish us all luck for psychology tomorrow....

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