T emailed me last Friday to see how I was after the hard session I'd had on Tuesday. I was surprised to get her email and it felt nice to know she was concerned enough to contact me to ask. It's nice to feel cared for when I try to not remember that it is just a professional duty.
I wrote back telling her things weren't good and that I was scared. That was a week ago and I haven't heard back from her. Now I feel hurt and disappointed and confused. I wondered if I was being irrational to expect a response but when I told Ad about it he too felt that she should have gotten back to me at least to acknowledge my response.
I have been trying to figure out why she didn't write back or contact me. I have come up with several theories as to why she didn't get in touch again and none of them make me feel any better about it. Maybe she's busy (too busy to take one minute to reply?). Maybe she is trying to punish me? Maybe all she wanted to do was check I was still alive and by my response she made a psychological assessment that I would survive until the next session? Maybe she just didn't think it required a response? Maybe she's trying to prepare me for her impending abandonment. Maybe she just thinks I am looking for attention and that I'm exaggerating? Maybe she was just hoping I would say I was fine and had never planned to send more than one email and having that fixed view stuck with it even though I wasn't fine. Maybe she didn't get the email? Maybe she hates me? Maybe she just doesn't care.
I wish now that she hadn't contacted me at all. I don't know what I wanted but some kind of acknowledgement would have been appropriate I think. When things like this happen, someone inside screams at me with anger, for allowing us to be affected. It reminds me that I really am alone. It's an overreaction of feeling because it reflects the times I asked for help as a child or wished to be cared for by someone, only to see them turn away from me or hurt me. I'm SO angry at myself now for feeling so strongly about T. I'm angry at T and I'm angry at me. I hate being stuck in this pathetic endless and incurable state of wanting someone and wanting to run away at the same time; hoping for someone to care but knowing that they are going to hurt you.
Therapeutic relationships are so unnatural and unequal. Well, for me anyway. Maybe other people are much less affected by all of this. This is what I wanted to prevent after last time when the psychologist I saw before T left whom, I was only with for a few months. I was devastated by him leaving and I knew I never wanted to be affected by someone again that way. I did well to not feel for a while, but it's been two and a half years now with T and long ago I stopped being able to not allow myself to feel anything positive.
And the worst part? These feelings are over a stupid email that she probably hasn't even thought twice about since. What am I going to be like when she leaves? I know what it will be like. If I am honest and reflecting on how it was last. It's going to be really, really, really bad.