Wednesday, 1 June 2011

I didn't kill myself

I'm struggling with my feelings about the last post where part wrote that they wanted to be dead.

It's not that I am having a crisis at the moment and am not suicidal in general.

That part of me is always there; they just don't normally get to the forefront. I was having a bad time. I like to think that the fact that this part doesn't get out much and these feelings are quite separate from me most of the time as well as the fact that I have no plans to kill myself and most of the time, don't wish to, makes it unlikely that I ever will kill myself.

Partly though, this may be naive. I try to bury that person far away from the rest of us... I guess I don't know how else to manage her. But I am aware that the feelings of that part are so strong and real, which makes me remember that I shouldn't assume that I am safe, just because she doesn't get out much. I may kill myself one day, it is a possibility. I hope I won't though, for my husbands sake...and my family (even if I feel they don't care about me). If I do it will be a bad choice to make. But it's easy for me to see that.

I also feel guilty for publishing those thoughts on my blog. It is selfish. But then it is my blog, so I'm not sure how to feel. Maybe it's selfish but at the same time, maybe it's my perogative. My more pessimistic side tells me not to care because no one reads it anyway (although someone reasonable reminds me that a kind person did comment on the post)and I started the post for myself as much as anyone else. And maybe if people do want to learn about DID from reading a blog, they should know about it all.

It's at times like this I am glad I have never intentionally shared my blog with anyone I know (although I do get nervous sometimes when I see some of the search criteria that have been used to reach here).

And if you do know me, then piss off and stop reading my blog!

Anyway, to summarise, part of me wants to kill themselves but that part has been there for a very very long time and is not usually dominant. My T tells me I shouldn't ignore or not allow parts time, but what else can I do?

1 comment:

Meronym said...

I struggled for a while about letting friends see my blog. I finally decided I would, because I need to feel like someone's reading what I write - like it matters to someone outside our system.

And when we're writing, it's hard not to try and think about who might see it. But we've come to the same conclusion - any of will write whatever we want. And if you don't like reading it, then don't!