Monday, 13 June 2011

I hate the world today

Today I am angry and tired and weary.

I feel like I am at the end of my tether. I know this is only temporary and just because of situations. Looking at it logically, it's just a matter of energy and maths. The energy I am expending on work is large and the energy I am expending on processing what's going on in my head is large. The energy resource I have for these things is not very large, therefore, there is no energy left after work and craziness for anything else, such as feeling like I want to be alive. I am in negative energy. The good news is, I don't really have the energy to care a lot of the time.

I cared in work today though. I felt so close to tears at several points.

I told my team leader (again) today that the work I have been expected to do is too much and that I have been working until 8 and 9pm most evenings and for hours at the weekend in order to reach the deadlines that I told her in April were too ambitious. She suggested (again) that I am not working efficiently enough. Except now I know that I am. I know I have been working harder than anyone else in my team. It's not me, it's them. I feel stuck though, because no one else has any insight into the kind of work I am doing except for one colleague, who won't support me in complaining because she knows some of my work would then be delegated to her.

Over the next few weeks I am delivering several days of training to a large group of people. My colleague was asked to attend to help deliver the training but when we sat down to decide what sections we would do on the days, she wasn't volunteering herself for barely anything. I felt pressurized into taking on most of the work. I looked over the allocations afterwards to find there was a 25/75 split in what we were doing. I approached her to ask if she would consider taking on more (not an easy thing for a mouse like me to do) and she was NOT happy. She got really annoyed and said that she thought that we had split it fairly. I then showed her the statistics on the amount of time we would each be talking for and she said: "Ugh, well I didn't realise we had come down to the level of counting minutes now!" I should have asked her if she could think of a fairer way to split the workload but instead I said something like how it would really help me out. She agreed to do slightly more but it barely changes the proportions. I am so angry with her. She hasn't done anything to help with the planning of the training so today's lack of co-operation has just been the icing on the cake really. But you can be assured she won't be shy about taking the credit for the training when it comes to feeding back at the next team meeting.

Work on it's own at the moment would be enough to send me to the edge but I feel like internally there is so much happening too. I feel like I can't stop the processes that are happening. It's hard to describe. I feel less able to control the others in my head lately. Like there is a mutiny; they've had enough of me holding them in and are determined that now is the time to break away from me. It's not necessarily a bad thing seeing as I have been trying not to be so much in control all the time but I'm scared. I feel like I am being dragged along behind.

God! I am sick of all the negativity. I bought some lillies the other day in a moment of clarity (the clarity involving realising that my life doesn't have many nice ingredients so I should try to inject some) and I am loving how they smell. They have lasted so long and every night when I get home from work I come in the door and smell them and it's like a little reminder that there is something in the world to be alive for, even if it's just a little thing like the smell of flowers (OK, that was my feable attempt at a positive comment!). I just need to find those little sparkles of hope in each day for the next few weeks and I will get there. I am sure I will feel better soon.

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