Monday, 9 May 2011

The weekend: Confrontations with Pou and not bashing or slashing

Just a quick one today (or at least that's the plan) as I'm shattered and having done a full days work, spent most of the evening finishing off the paperwork from todays clinics and preparing for tomorrows! I shouldn't really have to do that. Technically I could do it all on Wednesday but I know by then I would have forgotten everything I talked about with the patients.

Anyway, enough about work! The weekend....

I did meet with Pou in the end. It was hard talking about what had happened. If you haven't read already, I was annoyed with her because she cancelled our plans to spend the day because her boyfriend invited her to see him instead. Plus it isn't the first time she's dropped me for something/one else and I had already been feeling very neglected.

She was trying to explain her 'side' of things ie why she spent the time with her boyfriend instead of me and how she thinks she is a good friend in general. I kept saying that I didn't know what to say because I don't know how I feel about it and can't decide what is a reasonable and logical way to feel. That propelled her into more explaining of the same things and doing so in a way where I could tell she wanted me to agree that what she did was reasonable, but I wasn't able to as my head was still full of mush.

It kind of went on and on like that except with her getting more and more upset and crying while I sat there with a blank expression, repeating that I didn't know how to feel, but feeling like I wanted to run out of the room and bash my head against a wall and cut my arms to shreds and scream and cry and then die.

In the end I said that maybe I just have too high expectations because I have so few friends and she has so many and that perhaps I am too oversensitive but that I'm not sure and could we just forget the whole thing.

So we agreed on that and then she kind of invited herself to my house for the evening, which I was OK with by that stage cos I was more in the 'social' zone. I do enjoy spending time with her.
Turned out she didn't last the night anyway because she's allergic to my cat and the antihistamines weren't doing it for her this time. I heard her leave in a taxi in the early morning. I can't say I wasn't relieved to not have to entertain her on Sunday.

Hubbie had a friend over which was alright. He's the only other person that knows about my DID apart from Pou, Mel and Hubbie. Hubbie told him for some reason, which I find a bit difficult to swallow but I understand why he told him. Anyway I suppose it should make things a bit easier from my end but I still instinctively feel the need to act normal and not let my craziness show, even in front of Pou etc. Sigh.

Anyway, it was OK having Hubbie's friend over cos we just had food and then they watched the football. I think the whole being forced into socialising thing was good for me actually because while they watched football I actually.... I feel this should have a drumroll to emphasize the amazingness of it.... OK ready.... I..... did some housework!!!! Ta da!

Yes, I actually had ENERGY and MOTIVATION and I put away all the clothes that were lying all over the floor in the dressing room. I also gathered up three washing baskets full of laundry and I also hoovered the upstairs! I was so pleased with myself for managing this after having been a useless lump of lard for the previous few weeks. The down side of doing housework though is that it makes me more aware of how filthy my house actually is. I think when I'm not keeping it clean, I start to ignore how gross it is and then I just don't notice it anymore and think it's not that bad. Once I clean a bit of it, I realise how I am only scratching the surface.

Anyway, that's just an update of my weekend. It wasn't so much a quick post, rather just written quickly therefore is probably going to be full of mistakes and not very readable so I guess it's not going to be an improvement on my usual ramblings. Well done if you made it to here!

2 comments:

astridetal said...

I am sorry about the confrontation with Pou, but glad it worked out okay in the end.

Candycan said...

Thanks for your comment Astridetal :)