I never really got round to telling you about my last clinical psychology session due to the unexpected invasion of my country with my father shortly after it; this kind of took up my attention and I haven't had much energy to be able to ponder on the session. But, as a rule, I try to reflect on each session before the next one as I know this is all part of the process of developing. I also know T will want to know what I thought about things on reflection.
So, there were two main things that I can remember from the session. The first was, talking about the part of me that feels the need to control all the other parts. This part was talking to her directly and is not rarely doing so in the sessions.
This part IS helpful in the main: she moderates the conversations and tries to keep order. If there are too many voices in my head at once, she will arrange a sort of forum where each person can have their say. She is also key to our appearance of being normal in everyday life, as she can control who's thoughts/opinions/words/actions make it from inside my head to outside ie being physically spoken or an action performed. In short, she controls who comes out and what 'I' say.
She also tries to keep the parts happy. She facilitates the children to have time to play. She tries to accomodate the needs of others. She tries to be impartial and keep balance. Importantly, she has probably got more of an insight into who is who inside me than others do.
The disadvantages though are, firstly, I don't think she is aware of EVERYONE and I'm not sure but this may be partly because she doesn't want to know, but I may be wrong about that. Secondly, I think there is some bias in her moderating, as much as she tries to be fair. It is much easier to allow a child part to have time to come out and play than to allow a lesbian, or someone bursting with anger and rage to come out to play.
During the sessions, she hears what people are saying inside and can narrate their opinions to T. She feels this is safer than giving up control and allowing parts to come out, partly because she is concerned about what they would do or say, partly because she doesn't really trust how T would react and partly because this is what she has always done and it is now just an instinct to hold them in.
The problem with 'narrating' is that she also edits. So T isn't getting a full picture of what is going on inside. If T asks how we feel about X. She might hear four different answers:
a) I don't give a fucking shit about X
b) I'm scared and want a hug
c) I feel angry with you T for bringing up topic X, you don't understand and I don't want to talk about it; or
d) I feel it is an important subject and one that has been the cause of a lot of hurt for me. It makes me feel upset.
Moderator lady, is then either going to pick only the least embarrassing answer to tell T, or sometimes, in her defence she will try to express all of the views but certainly won't 'narrate'; rather she will summarise by saying "One part feels angry, one part is scared..." etc. The latter method is probably better than the former, because at least all views are expressed. Ignoring parts that have more shocking or unexpected responses, probably doesn't really help progress and also, makes those parts angry.
ANYWAY... in the session, she was expressing to T that it is really hard for her to have to be in control all the time. She doesn't want to be in control but feels there is no one else who would do it well. She feels she can't win because she tries her best but no one is happy. The child parts get to spend so much time out at home that other parts, including herself, don't get a look in. The other parts are angry about this. Then, during the sessions, the child parts are angry because they feel they want to be able to talk directly to T and spend time with her and don't see why she and a few others are only ever the ones who get to talk to T.
(Aside: I don't know that T really identifies the difference when this part is in the session as opposed to other parts like 'function mode'. I think she can probably see a difference in the insight levels so maybe she does relate that. It's sometimes hard for even me to identify the differences as they are more subtle than the differences between them and a child part. Not sure if that makes sense!)
So anyway, moderator lady can't win. Parts are angry with her for editing and for not allowing them time in charge and all she ever does is try to help. She's pretty tired of this role.
So T made a suggestion as to how this could be change. It didn't go down too well and caused some very strong emotions.
Unfortunately, I will have to tell you about this in the next post because I have run out of time. Today I am going shopping for the first time in a very very long time. I used to absolutely LOVE shopping, but I just haven't done it in ages because I hate my body so much and don't feel I deserve to spend money on myself, plus just feel nothing looks good on me. Unfortunately I am now at the stage where my clothes are falling to bits on me and it's getting beyond a joke when you have to try to combine your jeans with a top long enough to prevent people seeing the huge whole in the crotch or when you have to make a mental note not to raise your arms when you're wearing this or that top so you don't flash your armpit holes at everyone. LOL
It's hard trying to find nice things to wear when you feel you look like Shrek and added to that, trying to find long sleeves when you tend to always be too warm anyway. Sigh. Wish us luck. I will write the rest soon.