Monday, 16 May 2011

(Part 2) Clinical Psychology Session: how the moderator feels

So to get back to the post I never got finishing...

If you haven't read it yet, check out the part 1 of this post a few posts back (sorry, I haven't figured out how to put in a link yet!). T made a suggestion that she felt would take the pressure off the part that controls and moderates and decides who gets what internally.

Basically, I think she was saying that we should imagine a person who could do all of this for us. She said it could be someone on TV, someone I know who I think is a good leader/fair/negotiator or someone made up; whoever I wanted. She suggested that this person act as the one to make the decisions and that this would take the pressure off that part.

Now, this caused an internal uproar, so much so that I fear the description I have given you of her suggestion, may not exactly be what she was saying because the uproar started so early on that I was struggling to hear her and focus on what she was trying to say.

On reflection, the uproar was for more than one reason.

Firstly and possibly mainly, when she suggested this, I felt the implication was that I should make up another alter. What I heard was "You've already made up all of those parts so why not just create another alter to do the job for you?". I don't think that's what she was actually saying but that's what it seemed like to my possibly oversensitive mind. The implication of this is that DID is just my imagination running overtime, or worse, that I am making it all up for attention. I have read that people with DID are usually more hypnotiseable and imaginative/able to imagine things (I don't know where I read that or if it's true, but I don't feel I am like that). I felt like she was trying to play on this and get me to create other parts. I also felt like it implied that my alters aren't real and none of us were happy about that.

I tried to explain this to her and she tried to reassure me that this is not what she was suggesting, but I am still struggling to really understand what she WAS suggesting. She said it would be someone 'external' where my parts are internal and not made up.

My second issue was that I couldn't understand how imagining someone who would take on the job of moderating/deciding things, would make life any easier. If it's imaginary, it would still require some part of me to think: "What would Mr Moderator decide?" and then to come to that conclusion, which would probably be based on what the part thinking about this feels is the most reasonable decision. Therefore, indirectly, it would still be that part deciding it, because the decision would be based on their bias and reasoning, would it not? So I just couldn't see how this would actually work.

Thirdly, and I'm sure T would say most importantly (I am undecided as to the ranking of this one), I think part of the reaction was the part who this is all about (IE Mrs Moderator: the part of me that makes the decisions and runs things) is pretty freaked out by the idea of letting someone else be in control. I think she feels that internally, there is no one better suited to the job. She knows that others wouldn't be as reasonable and the thought of not being in control brings the fear of what will go wrong... and what might happen: who will come out and what will they say and how will people react. These are reasonable fears.

These are the fears.

On reflection, they still seem valid, well the first one maybe not so much as T did her best to reassure me. When I told her that it seemed like she was implying my parts weren't real, she commented on how I was quite defensive of them even though I sometimes doubt their existence.
I told her that sometimes I wonder if she believes it or thinks I'm making things up and she said: "Yet all I do is talk about your parts with you."
I sensed she was a bit affronted by my accusation when she said this. I explained that when I sometimes don't believe it myself, it's not surprising that I would doubt that others believe it. She nodded and seemed to accept that.
I asked her then: "Do you believe it's real?"
She said: "I do"
I said: "I will try to remember that next time I'm worrying about it." And I will. I will try to remember that. It helps to know she believes and I'm glad I asked. Somehow I think I may need to be told a few more times though. Knowledge is fickle.

With regards to the 'suggestion' though: this is something I can't conclude on. I am happy to try anything, but I feel confused about how I would actually go about doing this. I think I will need to ask for clarification. I just hope it doesn't upset things again.


Papa's Girl said...

firstly, being DID and having a close friend who's also DID - and holds a master's degree in psychology - i can tell you that there are many times that we both doubt we are multiple. then something weird happens and it's like you're thrown back against the wall and you go, "oh yeah. it's real."

secondly, that was a weird suggestion on you T's part. my T actually warned me that consciously creating others could lead to very complicated results and to avoid it at all costs.

thirdly, i admire your courage and openness in these blogs. i just discovered them today after a rough session with my T and i don't feel so alone anymore. thank you!

Candycan said...

lol, its always reassuring to hear others feel the same way.
T did try to reassure me that she wasnt suggesting I create an alter, but I struggled to really understand what she meant.
She didn't mention it this time round so I wonder if she thought it better not to