Friday, 27 May 2011

A blog post by Pan

I would like to share something written by Pan, one of the child alters in me. I am not sure if Pan is a boy or a girl but he would like to be a boy so we call him: 'he' but who knows...

To give you a bit of background about Pan... Pan has some anger issues and used to be very upset by the notion of going to therapy and any of us talking to T. In the last year, he has been learning to trust T and has changed his mind about her altogether. He really really likes her now, although hasn't really properly met her. He would love to, but is also very scared about how that would go down with T. He has also been prevented from meeting her by me and my anxieties about how it would go down with T. After yesterday's session, Pan wrote the words below and I have typed them up to add to the blog. If you haven't read the last post yet, you might want to read it first as a background.

NB I haven't changed any words except for 'T' in place of our therapist's real name and 'Candycan' in place of my real name and I've put some line breaks in just to make it easier to read; I hope Pan won't mind...

"T says there is a special room for children and we can go in it next time at the session
and it might have a snakes and ladders on the floor
and the wall might be a funny colour
and it might have something others things in it like paints and things
and I can bring my teddie
and T is going to get a blanket in case Little C is shy and needs to hide to feel better.

I like this and want to see the new room
but I am nervous about it too
and Little C is very excited about meeting T but very scared too
but also Candycan is very scared and nervous
and T said we won't have any expectations.
But I am so excited about seeing the special room
and I really really hope I will get to play and meet T."

By Pan

I think Pan described it all pretty well.
How about that then?
I am feeling ambivalent about how it will go. I know the kids are REALLY excited about what this new room is going to be like but I just don't know if it will help me any in giving up the control and letting them be out. I think it's partly that I STILL don't fully trust T. Also, I guess it's embarrasment. I am very reserved and the thought of someone other than my husband seeing me with a child alter in control does embarrass me. I wish it didn't matter.

T was very good though in saying that we would just go to the room next week and see what it is like, without any expectations... just to see if the child parts feel more comfortable there. She made it clear, the 'no expectation' part; I think she emphasized this so that I don't feel pressure. That's a good thing because there is a large possibility that the child parts won't get to come out and meet T next week. I know they will be there wanting to, they always are; but I guess that the fears holding it all back might take more than a few minutes in a child's room. That's my thoughts anyway.

The kids are just over the moon about the idea of going to a special room just for them. My head and my body is a buzz... It's like waiting for Santa to arrive, in here. It's certainly giving me a spring in my step though so I am not complaining, despite my reservations!

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