Saturday, 7 May 2011

A head full of calories

Oh I don't know what to do with myself! So far today I have managed to have a shower and pick up a few things from the floor in the living room (really only scratching the surface of that one). It's twenty past four now and too late to go out to the shops, as originally planned with Hubbie. Now he has made plans to meet some of his friends and I've gone and texted Pou to see if she wants to meet up but I'm already regretting it. The thought of the mental energy that will be required to spend the evening with someone is overwhelming, never mind the fact that she is going to want to have a 'talk' about the fall out we had over her dumping me for her boyfriend and I still don't know how I feel about that.

My head has turned to mush and I don't know what to do. She's asking me if I want to go out somewhere or if she should come to mine. Really it would be so much easier for me energwise if she comes here but then she will probably stay over since we have already organised to go for Sunday lunch tomorrow and I think this will be too much psychologically. Why is spending time with people so exhausting?!

I'm annoyed with myself too that a large part of my anxieties just now are to do with the fact that if I am going out, I will be eating out and I am worried about all the calories I will then consume.

I lost some weight when I was away on my trip, probably from being more active. I don't know if that has triggered it or if it's my new job or just other stuff in my head but since getting back I've been really cutting down on food. I haven't been eating breakfast and was having about 2-300 calories at lunch and then a small dinner. This last week it has been getting worse. On thursday I had just a yogurt and a sandwhich the whole day and yesterday all I had was a few satsumas all day until dinner time. I have lost a stone now (14lb) which I am happy about but I'm not happy that I seem to be getting back into this unhealthy relationship with food. I've had eating disorders on and off since the age of about eleven or twelve and I don't want to go back there. I want to be able to eat healthily but I always either just want to eat all the time, making me put on weight, or end up starving myself and not eating even healthy things because somehow that's easier than putting the effort into preparing healthy meals. Or getting stuck between the two and making myself throw up when I overdo it. Why can't I just be moderate?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Stopping by from the Madosphere blog's TWIM. I am sorry you are struggling with food. I can't exactly relate (if I have an eating issue, it's overeating), but I want to say I understand your thoughts about it. I also hope your night went well, whatever you did with Lou. And h ope you're having a good Sunday.