Thanks for the comments on the last blog post guys, I appreciate the support.
My T mentioned that I should think about if I want to see someone else when she’s away but I don’t know what I would want to do yet. It would be hard coping on my own for goodness knows how long it’ll be but it’d also be hard to start again with someone else. It was horrible last time this happened. In fact, it took the bones of two years before I started to feel like I could let myself trust this T after being let down before by my last one. Part of me wants to see someone else, part wants to see it as a break and a time to reassess; part wants to say ‘that’s it, we’re leaving therapy altogether’ and be done with it all.
Most of them think it’s all my fault for us feeling this way.
We should never have allowed this to happen again; it was so hard when my last therapist left and I had only been with them for a few months. That part told me then not to trust anyone again. I never learn. I never, never learn! You’d think by now I would know that people will always do this to us. They always have and they always will. It’s hard not to feel it is my fault. I know it’s not my fault my T is leaving, but it’s my fault I ever allowed myself to trust someone again. It’s my fault that any of my parts learnt to trust her because I am the one that has been telling them it’s OK and that she won’t hurt us. Now they are angry with me for the pain they are feeling. I’m finding it hard to hear anyone inside who doesn’t agree with this.
I am supposed to be working but I can’t focus myself today. I know I have so much to do but I keep feeling like I’m going to burst into tears. I couldn’t get to sleep last night for hours even though I was exhausted. I couldn’t get my body to relax. A few parts took over in an attempt to distract me but they didn’t allow me to get to sleep. I ended up lying in bed with a blade held on my arm until someone took over and cut me. I didn’t want to do this but it felt necessary. I must have fallen asleep eventually because I woke this morning with the blade still in the bed with me.
I remember asking a part that I don’t see much to come out and help me get to sleep. This part is a lovely lady who doesn’t see herself as part of me. She has had an altogether different life and just comes to visit so to speak. She is peaceful and when she comes out I feel my body relaxing. I remember asking her and then I remember feeling my muscles relax and I remember thinking “I wonder if she’ll stay out long enough to help me get to sleep” and then it was morning.
I am just gutted.