Well that was unexpected.
My psychologist (T) told me today that she is going to be taking some time off. She doesn't know when or for how long but probably starting in the next six months and for a duration of a minimum of six months.
I am gutted.
I feel like it is another huge loss in life when it has taken me so long to learn to trust T. If it was just six months and I knew she'd be back that would be hard enough but if she doesn't know when she'll be back (does she even know she'll be back for sure?) that throws up all kinds of other questions.
We are all gutted. Angry child part is so upset. I spent the duration of the rest of the session just trying to contain that part. Someone is so angry that we let ourselves learn to trust someone when they told us that she would hurt us like everyone else does.
My face was crying all the way through the session (sometimes I don't feel like I'm actually crying but tears will stream out of my eyes) and not much else was said... two hours of very little talking....me staring at the floor with tears coming down my face and her not saying much either.
So much going through my head. I have so many questions but was too scared to ask.
I got home and sat staring at the Christmas tree for a while, I think I started to fall asleep but came to again and made myself some food but didn't really feel like eating even though I was starving. I knew I should eat or I'd end up eating chocolate later...but I ended up eating chocolate anyway. Normally I eat chocolate, probably more than I should, but this evening I wasn't enjoying it, I was just scoffing it down to fill my belly. I wanted to eat away all the pain I am feeling. I wanted to stuff myself. Then I did something I haven't done in quite some time... I made myself sick :(
I don't know what to do with everything that's going on in my head. I think I may just get into bed and pull the duvet ove my head and see what happens :(