I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. Being up in the middle of the night is never a good sign for me. Change is afoot. I felt like self harming this evening for the first time in weeks. I didn't do it, but just having the thought scares me when I haven't been bothered by it. It's a sign that something's shifting. I always feel guilty when I write about thoughts of self harm, like people will think I'm looking for attention. But I have to remember that this is my blog so it doesn't matter what people think and I'm just trying to express what's going on with me.
I had a random half day illness today, which I get sometimes for no apparent reason, although it's probably stress or over tiredness or something.
Today I found a half peeled banana in the kitchen and asked my husband why he left it there. He said he hadn't and it wasn't there when he cleaned the kitchen an hour before. So either he has something wrong with his memory or I did it. Statistically the likelihood of it being him is slim given my track record. That means it was probably me. OK so maybe it wasn't a huge thing but it upsets me to have no recollection of deciding to peel a banana and then forgetting half way through.
These things didn't used to upset me so much when I didn't know about DID. I just used to marvel at my forgetfulness. Now I feel despair that someone else is controlling me without me knowing it. No one likes to feel they don't have control; especially over their own mind or body.
I think, although I've accepted that I have DID for the most part, I tend to believe that I am aware of all my parts and that I'm always conscious, even if in the background as an observer, of what they're doing. These little banana incidents scare the fuck out of me as I am forced to consider that maybe I'm not always as aware as I like to think. And then that seems too hard to believe and I start wondering again if in fact I do have a physical memory problem resulting from a bump to the head because that seems so much easier to believe.
I spent the evening with my friends on Wednesday. We made Christmas cards. One of my friends had bought Christmas crackers and we pulled them together and read out our jokes. My joke was:
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I have split personalities"
Doctor: "Well you'd better both sit down then"
What are the chances? I was embarrassed because I didn't know how my friends would react. Pou thought it was great and laughed at the coincidence but Wel seemed a bit awkward like she didn't know if it would be rude to laugh.
It's surprising how often the topic of multiple personalities comes up in conversations...usually in jokes. I guess I understand why but it's not so funny for me when I am wracking my brains trying to remember a banana.
I stayed over with Pou afterwards. I wasn't sure about this. I tend to avoid staying over with people nowadays. It was OK though. Pou was really depressed and wanted to talk about her life and things that had happened to her and I was happy to be a listener. Often it's a good distraction.
When we eventually went to sleep I found myself getting anxious again. I often feel myself getting anxious and start having flashbacks/images at night just before I go to sleep and they make my child parts jump about and get upset. I thought Pou was asleep already but the next day she said I had been jumping about and making noises like I was scared. I remembered this happening just before I fell asleep. I didn't really know what to say. In the end I just told her the truth and said: "Sometimes my child parts get a bit upset when I'm falling asleep".
She said she had thought it might be that. Then she said, she was thinking what it would be like if I got up in the night and started doing weird things. She said she realised it wouldn't bother her and that she loves me and that its just my thing. That was nice. It's good to know if anything weird ever did happen in front of her she wouldn't be upset. Hopefully it won't though!
Does anyone else find they have this problem when they are falling asleep?