Dissociating by getting stuck: is it under my control?... and what happened next...

Alright, enough procrastination! I will now tell you what happened in the clinical psychology session of last week. Ironically... (or is it ironic? My husband gets on his high horse about people using the term 'ironic' when the situation isn't actually ironic, which makes me nervous about using the word incorrectly and being scoffed at by all the intelligent people in the world... anyway, ironically or not....) this ending of the procrastination is in itself a way of procrastinating from some study I should be doing for work. Best to do this though before this week's psychology session.

Just to give you a recap in brief of what had been happening previous to the session to set the scene... I'd had a difficult few weeks because of:

1. becoming aware of an apparent wish of some part of me to be dead (the 'becoming aware' part involving me being an observer of the act of preparing for a hanging on numerous occasions)
2. Some general internal chaos and a feeling of 'me' being dragged along behind while the other alters were on some kind of mission to break free.
3. having dissociated badly in the previous psychology session (which I talked about here) and feeling generally crap as a result of that
4. My T emailing me to see how I was after the dissociating badly in the session and then failing to respond to me at all when I told her I was not good; on the edge and really scared because of my thoughts and actions, hence leaving me feeling angry with myself for having thought she cared and trusting someone against other parts' better judgements and also leaving me no better off in the current crisis that I was in (which I also wrote about in this post).
5. work being really, really, really stressful (that has now eased off a bit, thank goodness)

So, I went along to therapy last week with all my parts in tow and all of these things hanging over my head. I always look forward to going to therapy but once I get there become really scared and anxious as my alters stir up inside and because of the potential threat of what terrible thing T could do to me or make me talk about. Sometimes she has an agenda for the session, sometimes she asks me what I want to talk about. I usually prefer it when she has an agenda as it takes the pressure off me a lot, but this week I did not like her agenda. 

She started off by stating, in a manner that seemed to me to be quite short, that the last session had run very late over time (because of me being stuck to my chair) and that we needed to sort out the 'dilemma'. She said that it's stressful for her and unfair on the caretaker who was waiting to close up the building. She said we could consider moving the time of the sessions to a different time of day but that it doesn't negate the fact that over two hours is much too long for a session (it should be an hour and a half) and that if she saw me earlier she'd probably see other patients afterwards and that she 'certainly wouldn't keep them waiting'. She said that she understands that it's a struggle for me when I am in that state but that it is in my control on some level because it is another part that's stopping me from leaving.

Now, these are all fair points and she had a right to raise the issue. But it seemed to me by her tone that she was quite annoyed with me and that despite acknowledging that it is another part that is causing the difficulty, that she feels maybe I could just try a bit harder if I really wanted to not be a nuisance. As a result, I instantly went into 'defensive mode'. If I am accused or confronted in a negative way I have an immediate reaction of a sort of closing off. It's like we are all living in a fortress. I try to keep the doors open and one or two people hanging around outside, but at any sign of attack, everyone runs inside, the doors go up, some parts go into hiding while others take up position in their stations ready to defend. I think she picked up on this pretty quickly as I went silent and probably didn't look too happy. My heart was hammering in my chest, my vision blurred, my head spinning. Someone inside was saying: “Lift your bag and make a run for it!”

T was repeating the aforementioned points and saying she hoped we could discuss it together and I was hearing: “I hate you! You are a horrible patient! You are trying to manipulate me by staying longer in the sessions. You are selfish and just want more time and you can't have it because I only get paid to see you for x amount of time. I don't care about you any more than that. In fact, there's probably not even anything wrong with you, you're just looking for attention!” Of course, that is not what she said. That is just me being over-sensitive. 

 

My silence continued. She asked how my parts were feeling about her having raised the issue. I told her I felt she was angry with me and she agreed that she got the sense that I thought she was and that I was annoyed in return. Well observed T (I probably had it written all over my face though)! She told me to stick to the facts of the case so I told her, that the fact was that she seemed annoyed. She didn't say she wasn't but she wanted to know what it would mean to me if she was angry (typical psychologist!).

Well, I don't plan to dictate to you my entire memories of the conversation (I'm sure you will be relieved to know) but it kind of went on that way. Me in silence, feeling like I was going to die off and seething with anger that she thought it was in my control to be able to get up and leave during those horrible episodes of whatever is going on and her going over the same statements about how she wanted to understand why some part of me doesn't want to leave the sessions and what I thought could be done to fix this problem. 

 

Her statements pissed me off for a number of reasons: one, is that they assume that some part of me doesn't want to leave and that I as the 'host' or whatever, would know if and why this was the case and also what would change it. Secondly, I felt angry that it was me who was being 'told off' when it's not 'me' who is causing me to be in that state. During those times, I feel so separate from myself. I am like an outsider, willing the other parts to let me back in or get up and leave. I was angry with her for holding 'me' responsible and angry with the rest of me for getting me in trouble when I spend my whole fucking life trying to be 'good' and 'normal' and blend in despite being full of a whole rainbow of nutters who are all bursting to get out and live in a way which would be conducive to losing my job and any relationships I currently could claim to have a feeble grasp on. 

 

I wasn't so much aware of the next reason for my anger at the time, but on reflection I know that am angry about it: I had been feeling like my alters were moving forward without me. They were learning or I was learning to let them be independent of me in communicating with T. The perceived attack of last session sent them scampering away back into hiding. Then she wanted to hear what their thoughts and feelings about the issue were. By this stage they were so far away, there was no chance of anyone communicating with them. I think Little C had already had her confidence knocked a few weeks before and given that I think it could be a part that is in great distress who has been trying to communicate with C during times that I am dissociating, they then felt castigated for having caused so much trouble. I feel this could be a big setback in the already possibly hopeless task of trying to learn to trust that people aren't going to hurt us.

T continued to want me to talk about the issue throughout the session. I don't think she could really understand how impossible it was going to be for me to be able to have the insight or let my guard down enough to talk sensibly about it. I tried going out to the toilet to pull myself together but it didn't help: every time she tried to raise the issue again I felt my heart rate rising and my vision going again. I kept trying to explain how I was feeling and she kept saying: “does that mean we can't have a conversation about it?” So frustrating!

On reflection in the time since the last session, I have been asking myself the question: “Did I have justification to believe she was quite short in her tone and manner of raising the issue or did I just perceive it to be that way?” In honesty, I really don't know. Maybe she was nervous about raising it with me in case I did react badly and this came across to me as blunt. Maybe it was just my wrong perceptions and that's all. It is important to me that she is not angry, because if she is, it suggests she really doesn't understand how out of my own control the problem is. 

 

I didn't want to leave the issue hanging without any attempt at trying to fix things though, so I sat down and wrote T a letter explaining what was going on for me when she confronted me in that way and then, what I felt we could try to do to help prevent the sessions from running over time in future. I also told her how I had felt about her lack of response to my email a few weeks back. I felt my suggestions for what could help were feeble (because if I had better ones wouldn't I already be trying to use them?). I still feel angry too. I guess I also feel, she should be the one with the answers. Surely I'm not the only person in therapy who experiences dissociation? Well, if there are others then can't she find out from some source what can be done to help? I sent her the letter by email anyway, although part of me feels she cares so little that she probably won't even bother reading it. Another part says, who gives a fuck if she doesn't. She raised the issue so if she doesn't read it, it's her loss. 

 

I have been feeling numb for the main part since the session. In the glimmers of emotion I have had over the last week or two I have noted 'fear' about going the next session which will be on Wednesday. I know that my anger is still not far from the surface and I also feel the part that thinks 'to fuck with therapy' is not far away either. I have also sensed feelings of 'loss' and a disappointing feeling of reconfirmation that no one could ever see anything good in a person like me and that I should have never hoped for anything different. I haven't seen the kids around much as I mentioned here, but I have a sense that they are feeling pretty bad for getting in trouble. Pan might be angry, but that's just a guess as I haven't seen him. I think they are hiding.

One kind of dissociation: getting stuck

Last week you may remember me telling you that my clinical psychology session didn't go well, but I didn't go into it. I will write about it but first, here is something I wrote a few weeks ago after the previous psychology session. It will set the background for when I tell you about what happened last week...

"Last week I had a tough session at clinical psychology. I did talk about some of it (the discussion about the rope... cringe) on a blog post a day or two afterwards but I haven't reflected on the other parts that made it tough.

I was dissociating during the session again.This for me can involve a sort of shutting down of my ability to do anything. It tends to happen if I get overwhelmed which is always a possibility being in a psychology session. Just the silence is enough to send my insiders into a whirlwind.

It doesn't happen as much at home and I think that's because at home, I am not so likely to feel highly anxious and if something triggering was to happen, I would allow the process of dissociation just to happen for instance: by zoning out or falling asleep suddenly, or just curling up in a ball and shutting down. At home I might also find some way of dealing with the overwhelming emotions, such as hurting myself, which would prevent the emotions from becoming too much.

In a psychology session, none of these coping mechanisms I use at home can be allowed to happen. I am required to stay 'in the room'. I can't just shut down and I wouldn't want to either in front of someone else. It's not safe. Obviously, self harm isn't an option either. Another obvious thing though, is that freezing up and becoming glued to my chair isn't the safest option either. It's like part of me is trying to get me to shut down and another part wants me to get up and run away and both are pulling in opposite directions, so I end up 'stuck' in the middle unable to do anything.

I know that in the past it has been very specific things that have caused the dissociation to happen. Last week though, I felt it was separate from anything I was really aware of. It felt more like a physical process that began of its own accord and was not related directly to how I was feeling. I have no doubt however, that it was related to some other part of me that was feeling overwhelmed in some way by something frightening.

I can feel the fear in my body even if I don't know what it is that's causing it.

Apart from the obvious horribleness of the experience, it can also cause the session to run over time. I am then trying to pull myself together in order to just stand up and walk out to my car but failing to be able to do so. My head is telling my body to get up but my body isn't co-operating. I hear T telling me that we need to leave the building because it's closing (I always see her last thing in the day) but she is far away from me. Or I am far away from the person she is talking to. I am conscious of everything happening in my body and I can hear her, but I'm not in control of my body. I'm not connected enough to be able to move.

I don't know all that the part that is overwhelmed is thinking or what it is they are battling, but I do get a strong sense of fear. I feel it in my body. I sometimes feel other things in my body too at these times.

To add to the horribleness of the situation, I tend to get a really irrational fear that if I don't snap out of it T is going to get fed up (or more fed up) and leave me in the building by myself to get locked in. Sometimes she gets up to get her things together while I am in my frozen state and I feel a panic rising in me that I am going to be left like this on my own. Logically telling you this now, I know she wouldn't do that but in those times it's a different logic. There is someone inside at those times begging (unspoken) for her not to leave them alone there. I (or some part of me) also get scared that she is going to hurt me/them in these times. I fear she will get angry and start shouting at me or physically hurt me. A few times she has gone behind me to shut the window and that part has been waiting in that moment for something terrible to happen from behind the chair, but still... unable to get up and run away. It's a kind of chaos.

And that's just my experience of those times. It's one dimensional, I am just one part of the several people who attend the sessions and I'm sure others are thinking and feeling differently at that time. Sometimes I feel like the only measure I have of what is going on in someone else at those times is what I can feel in my body. It's in those times that I hear a doubting part voicing their confusion; because if I don't have DID, then why are these things happening to my body? Sometimes I can feel the emotions too. Fear, as I mentioned, is a big one.

Related posts:
Dissociating by falling asleep

From other blogs:
Dissociation, Freezing, and Falling Asleep
A recent post by Astridetal, which links in with this one. Astridetal talks about her experiences of this type of dissociation.

Losing time

I wonder if I lose more time that I tend to realise. Lately I seem to be incapable of remembering to drink my tea before it goes cold. Ad is very good at making me tea; he's also become very good at reminding me that he's made me tea when it's sitting right next to me. Another thing I've noticed in recent months is that I am also almost incapable of making toast without burning it. The only way for success is to stand over it staring at the bread. If I try to multitask, without fail I will end up nearly setting fire to the house. Is it because I am dissociating and time is jumping on or am I just a fluff head?