Update on the mini crash and things in general

Good afternoon world and friends.

It's been a week and it feels like it's been a year, yet still just a minute since I last wrote to you. What's new hey?

Erm, so to fill you in... hmm, I'm not really sure myself how things have been to be honest. Last time I wrote I was in the middle of a mini crisis where I felt my world had just come crashing down. This was triggered partly by some nightmares and then body pains which seemed to be more than a coincidence, combined with not getting along with Adam and a big argument where he told me he didn't like me anymore (to be fair, I had just said the same thing to him... well, Pan had, but Pan is part of me so I can't pass the blame... but I believe I am unlovable and I know I love Adam so when I say it I know it's just anger (not trying to excuse it) but when he says it, it's confirmation of how no one in the world, including Adam could possibly love me or even like me). Anyway, I don't want to tread old ground (is that even an expression? I'm still learning about figures of speech. Either I'm a bit autistic or was a bit busy growing up in an abnormal life to take on board the wonders of metaphors and the like).

So the weekend was difficult. I was thinking about the dreams a lot and feeling depressed and despairing and hopeless. Light fittings were not just light fittings and bannisters were not just bannisters if you know what I mean and I found myself rummaging through the bin to find a glass jar or bottle that I could smash and then throwing it back in the bin after staring at the object for some time on more than one occasion... but apart from Thursday night and Friday morning, I didn't self harm or try to hang myself, so that's pretty good going all in all! It's hard to describe what a crash feels like. A minute feels like an hour in that state. I feel so completely alone and being with Adam just adds to the feeling of aloneness. It's like I am trapped in a bubble which someone has filled with painful emotions and bits of memories of hurt and loss and I can't get out of it and no one can get in. It doesn't matter what the world is doing, if the sun's shining or the rain's falling because it can't affect me except to make me feel more alone and hopeless. I want to cry. My body feels heavy. Movements are very slow. I don't care what I look like, but I look different...pale, puffy eyes (probably because I don't sleep the same way when I'm like this), bedraggled. I curve into myself because holding my head up is an effort I don't have the motivation or will for. I stare, but I'm not looking out at anything. I'm just seeing a blur.

I felt despairing and I felt hopeless at the weekend but I guess I couldn't have been completely hopeless because I was holding onto the thoughts that a) I could remember feeling this way and worse in the past and had survived and b) if I could make it to Monday I'd probably switch to a more life compatible version of Candycan.

Monday came and I went along to see T at clinical psychology. Erm... trying to remember... erm... Oh yes! We talked about... gosh, I'm not sure. I'm not doing very well here. But I know it was difficult and I talked about, oh yes!...  the dreams. I was pleased with myself I guess that I was able to tell T at least one of the dreams because I definitely wouldn't have been able to talk about it out loud last year, or even perhaps earlier this year, without dissociating and ending up feeling everything physically or switching. So I feel that is huge progress, or else I was just in a different state that was more able to talk without getting overwhelmed. It was difficult and I felt my heart hammering in my chest. I know it's stupid but I still worry that T won't believe me, even though in reality she probably believes it more than I do myself. But while I was talking about the dreams and how I felt that the pains I had couldn't be a coincidence, I was worrying that she would think I was just making things up for attention and then I start to convince myself  that I am. Or at least just blowing things out of proportion. And I start doubting everything again.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a car that fell off the road into a lake and I was in the sinking car trying to get the windows open to get myself and the others in the car out. I've had this dream a thousand times and when I drive near water I always feel freaked out. That doesn't mean this actually happened to me though. So why should I assume that dreaming about terrible things happening to a child and then feeling physical pains means those things happened to me? I don't know. Why would I dream about those things happening to me if it wasn't because of past experiences? Then I say (inside), 'I know it's real because it feels real'. Even though I don't consciously know it, in a way, I kind of do at the same time. But then in another way, I know it's not. OK so to conclude... we can't rely on any opinions or feelings that come out of my brain!

So, I told T about the dream. She didn't say an awful lot although she did ask me if I had considered if these things might have happened to me. I think she was trying to get me to think for myself and come to that conclusion. I'm sure we talked about other things but I can't bring them to mind. Then, at the end of the session, we tried EMDR for the first time. I will tell you about that in another post.

My week has been pretty huge in some ways. First of all, I found out the results of my liver tests. I haven't spoken with the doctor yet, I just found out by looking up my blood results at work and have extrapolated through this my diagnosis, which is a genetic (therefore lifelong) disorder which can cause chronic fatigue like tiredness! I don't want to go into too much detail about this on here because I'm worried about my anonymity for various reasons but suffice to say, it's a lot to get my head around. In a way, I am happy that there is potentially an answer for the exhaustion I have been plagued with for some time now and therefore hopefully a treatment that can help. On the other hand, the treatment for the condition sounds like it could be pretty hard going in itself and might make me feel worse instead of better for the first long while. But, I need to speak to the consultant again before I get ahead of myself and thanks to the NHS being as it is, I will have to wait another two months for an appointment. I tried several times to contact his secretary this week to find out if there's anything I can do in the meantime and have come to the conclusion that they make it almost impossible to find the number on purpose so that patients can't ring up to bother them. I eventually got through to an answering machine, which proved to be pointless because two messages and several days later and I haven't heard a thing back from them.

The other big news of this week is that I have been offered a new job! This is a good thing in that it gives me job security until 2013 instead of until Christmas, but bad in that it potentially means starting in an area of work I always said I'd hate to work in and I'd be working under the supervision of the very person who bullied me when I was a student. Now, to be fair, I have come to like this area of work a bit more this year seeing as half the patients I am currently seeing would fall into this client group and although I haven't had much dealings with this bully from hell of a manager since I started working, I hope it might be different now that I am working as a professional and have a lot more confidence in my abilities. The other bad thing is that the girl who is currently doing this particular job is so stressed out, I feel it will kill me... and I see her as much more competent than I am. :S Given my current physical and mental state and the fact that I am just about managing to get through each working day by the skin of my teeth (teeth don't have skin...what's that about?) I am finding it hard to feel excited about the prospect of work in general, never mind starting a new job at the moment. Sigh.

These two things have kind of been occupying my head this week; the diagnosis much more than the job, so I haven't had too much time to think about my meltdown of last weekend until now. I've felt like I've struggled through each day. I'm now having to work late on a Wednesday evening as well and starting an extra project at work. It's all fun and games isn't it?

Emotionally I've just numbed myself through the week. I've been too busy to feel. This morning was my first moment of rest since last Sunday. Adam went out after lunch and I watched a bit of telly for half an hour then switched off the box, lay down on the living room floor and stared at the carpet while tears rolled out of my eyes and I thought about how empty and hopeless my life is looking. I went back into the kitchen and looked at the glass jar which is still sitting out from last weekend, for a moment... contemplating. Then I shook myself and got my laptop out to do some of the work that I can't fit into my working days but that is building up and causing me to have dreams about car crashes all night.

I'm starting to resent Adam. He hasn't been working now for a year. He could have been working if he'd wanted to. At the same time I understand why he hasn't taken a job but his line of work means he earns at least double my wage when he does work. If he was working now I'd have the option of cutting down my hours or even taking some time out to get well, but as it is, the mortgage needs paid and I must keep going in order to pay it. Last weekend I found myself asking Adam what would happen to the house if I died and he said that our insurance policy means the mortgage would be paid off. One of the things that has been on my list of 'reasons not to kill myself' is that it wouldn't be fair to leave Adam with the debt of the house. Now, it appears it would actually do him a favour in this regard. There are however, still two other reasons on the list at the moment so unfortunately, that's not an option.

Crisis... meltdown...breakdown... temporary glitch

The past weeks have been hard and getting harder. Work is getting me down for a number of reasons and things are going on internally. I have been struggling to articulate how I feel. On wednesday night I had some nightmares which were triggered off by hearing a news story and they have been playing on my mind. I have been having some strange pains inside me too...inside my bum. Last night I had a fight with Adam and I think that has been the straw that broke the camel's back really. When Adam rejects me I feel hopeless. I feel he is the only good thing in my life. I hate myself that I make his life so difficult by being me. I lay in bed last night crying and holding a blade to my arm, willing myself to cut it really deeply but doing no more than light damage. Ebony was out. She wrote an email to my T in the middle of the night:

"T, i don't know what else to do that doesn't involve damage Is there hope for me? what do i have left to live for? Adam says he doesn't like me anymore. i have no one else really. my comfort is the image of what i want to do to ease this and fix things for good so i won't be a burden anymore. I feel hated. i hate myself. i hate myself for writing to you. i don't want to feel so alone and in a way i feel like your help is my only hope. if your help can't help i wonder if anything else could. I'm trying not to think about what i want to do to myself just now. I'm trying not to think about the nightmares. The pains are reminding me and questioning my memory. it feels real. I'm scared. My body hurts in places. Bad things happen to little girls and it makes me hurt. I want to tell you the dream. i want to run away. i hope you can help me"


I didn't go to work today. I had already planned to take friday off because things have been so hard for me this past while and I felt I just needed a day off to recharge. I don't know how I would have managed the day if I had've needed to go in because things have been pretty bad. I feel catatonic. I lay in bed for hours after I woke up. Adam tried to make friends with me and I said we could be friends but I felt very down. I sat in the garden with my head sagging onto my chest while we had breakfast. I moved onto the sofa where I lay curled up in a pile with a blanket over my head.
I wondered if T had gotten my email. Around lunchtime Adam rang T to say things weren't good and she asked to speak to me. It was hard to speak to her; I felt I had no answers to her questions. I guess she was trying to establish what the risks were. She said she wondered if I needed to have an urgent assessment by a psychiatrist. I think she was looking for me to tell her if I thought this was needed. She was asking if I felt there was a risk I would do something. I said I didn't know but I hoped not. I've been thinking about hanging myself constantly, but that's a far cry from doing it. I don't plan to, but I also can't speak for everyone else inside. She asked about the dreams. I couldn't really say much except that it was about a little girl... I was struggling to get out anymore than that. She asked: "were things done to her?" I said yes. We talked about the pains I've been having and how I'm feeling emotionally and T asked if I felt this was a part that was more to the fore at the moment. Yes. She suggested that I needed some medication to help me settle so that I can get through the weekend. We talked through the options. T was keen for me to speak to my doctor. I said I had some diazepam which I could take and would contact the out of hours doctor at the weekend if it didn't help. She told me to mention her name and that she had recommended I contact them if I did. She was very nice and said it sounded like I was going through a difficult time and part of it is trying to sit with it but that medication would probably help until I see her on Monday morning. She said some things about the dreams triggering memories of trauma that parts hold. I tried to explain how it was confusing because the dreams disturbed me and the pains seemed to be linked but I don't remember things like that happening... but instead someone else spoke and said 'I think so too'. She was worried that I would be on my own as Adam was going out. She asked why Adam was worried enough to ring her. I explained that he probably isn't used to seeing me this way, which is very different. She asked if he was worried I would self harm. I guess he is. She asked if I'd told him I self harmed today. I said I hadn't. She asked if he was worried I'd end my life. I said I doubted he knew I felt that way. I felt guilty for burdening him and her with it all but she said she was glad we rang. She explained that she had sent an email to my work email asking me to ring her but hadn't realised I wouldn't be at work to get it. I was glad to hear this because it was nice to know she cared. I apologised for being a hassle and she said 'not at all'. She said she wants to talk about things more on Monday and assess what I need and wants to do some EMDR to help me feel safe and did I think that would be helpful. I said I hoped so.
I felt a bit better afterwards. A bit of hope. Just a small amount. Adam made me a bed on the sofa and I cuddled my teddies and watched my favourite film ever: the Grinch. I also took two diazepam although I don't feel any different for having taken them. I'm thinking now I should have taken T's advice and rang my doctor. I hope I'll be OK though. I can ring the out of hours GP if need be. I might switch and feel much better soon. It's hard when Ebony is around. It's hard to tolerate the emotions. I switched for a while when Adam put the Grinch on. Little C came out and felt very happy but at the same time I felt the others there. Many emotions. Now that has passed. I feel very down and drained and lifeless. Hopeless. Adam is gone out. I've been thinking about glass and my arms a lot. But I am just thinking. I've been thinking about it constantly since last night so hopefully I will be OK and this will pass. As I said to T, I will probably be back to my old self by Monday. It's just a glitch.