I didn't feel alone

I'm still enjoying having T back: my old psychologist who was off for just over half a year. She has been so supportive and understanding since she returned. Well, she always was but the contrast between the way I felt with her stand in (New Psychologist) and T's style has just made me so much more aware of and grateful for T's ways. I feel like I am properly starting to trust her on a new level. It may still be fragile but it's more real now. It's like her time away and return has strengthened our relationship somehow.

From a young age I started to believe that people won't care: humans can't be trusted; they will hurt you and leave you. T did leave and although she said she was coming back some parts didn't believe she would and it hurt so much. But, T has come back like she said she would and she has cared for me and it seems to have been a huge thing internally. It's been somewhat 'healing' in a way (I don't like using that word but have to admit that it is the right one in this circumstance). It has helped to begin to challenge my beliefs and now parts are starting to believe that maybe you can rely on other people to help. Maybe humans can be trusted sometimes.

Since she came back we have done a bit of catching up. She was very good about my rants about new psychologist and some of my more negative experiences I had in the early months of the year, which I needed to get off my chest when T came back. If you've read some of my posts from during that time you'll know the gist of what I was ranting about. She's very skilled at being supportive without taking sides but I imagine that secretly she did agree with my concerns some of the time.

T has now also met Little C a couple of times. I guess this is a pretty big thing as LC and a lot of us have wanted T to be able to talk to more parts for a long time but couldn't get past the barriers of fear and trusting that it would be OK. I'm not sure how I feel about it since it has happened. I mean, I know it's a good thing and in one way I'm happy but it's also something that I feel a lot of ambivalence about. But maybe that's for another post. I know it's progress, whether my feelings about it are always good or not.

I rang her recently whilst in the middle of a 'crisis' for support and she talked to me on the phone for ages. She was so supportive. I can't remember most of anything that I said to her: I was having a meltdown due to being in a very difficult situation with a lot of triggers. I remember that she talked me through how I was feeling and reassured me that it wasn't going to last forever. She said that it was a good thing that I was feeling emotions and she understood that it was so difficult because I've not had much experience of really 'feeling' emotions before. Dissociative disorders are all about not having to be aware of or experience painful feelings, so where in the past I have often been able to block things out by dissociation, it is progress that I found myself experiencing these feelings, although obviously it didn't feel like a good thing at the time.

I remember she said she wanted to reassure me that I hadn't done anything inappropriate in contacting her. I wondered afterwards if she had said that because of the situation where the stand in psychologist had told me off for contacting her between sessions saying it was inappropriate and a boundary issue. I wondered if T was trying to reassure me because of what had happened. Well, whether that was in her mind or not, it was important for me to hear that because I did worry that I shouldn't have been contacting her. I always fear being rebuked for it. I suppose that's nothing new. I am rebuked internally by someone every time I reach out too. I take a step in trusting and talking to her and then that person rages up with anger and fear, shouting at me curses for breaking the rules and prophecies imminent devastating consequences for us all because of my actions.

She said a few things that really impacted on me and stayed in my mind for a long time after we'd talked. While we were talking on the phone, someone who has caused me a lot of pain was walking towards me. I told her that this was happening and her response was that she was still here talking to me and she wasn't going anywhere. It doesn't sound like a big statement but she could not have said anything more perfect or reassuring to me at that moment.

Some of the time she didn't say anything and I didn't say anything. She just sat with me on the other end of the line while I 'felt' and while I dealt with how I was feeling and started to calm down. She told me she wasn't going to hang up the phone until I felt OK and that she was here for as long as I needed to talk to her. I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel alone. That was the amazing and wonderful new experience in the middle of this crisis: I didn't feel alone.

Update on the mini crash and things in general

Good afternoon world and friends.

It's been a week and it feels like it's been a year, yet still just a minute since I last wrote to you. What's new hey?

Erm, so to fill you in... hmm, I'm not really sure myself how things have been to be honest. Last time I wrote I was in the middle of a mini crisis where I felt my world had just come crashing down. This was triggered partly by some nightmares and then body pains which seemed to be more than a coincidence, combined with not getting along with Adam and a big argument where he told me he didn't like me anymore (to be fair, I had just said the same thing to him... well, Pan had, but Pan is part of me so I can't pass the blame... but I believe I am unlovable and I know I love Adam so when I say it I know it's just anger (not trying to excuse it) but when he says it, it's confirmation of how no one in the world, including Adam could possibly love me or even like me). Anyway, I don't want to tread old ground (is that even an expression? I'm still learning about figures of speech. Either I'm a bit autistic or was a bit busy growing up in an abnormal life to take on board the wonders of metaphors and the like).

So the weekend was difficult. I was thinking about the dreams a lot and feeling depressed and despairing and hopeless. Light fittings were not just light fittings and bannisters were not just bannisters if you know what I mean and I found myself rummaging through the bin to find a glass jar or bottle that I could smash and then throwing it back in the bin after staring at the object for some time on more than one occasion... but apart from Thursday night and Friday morning, I didn't self harm or try to hang myself, so that's pretty good going all in all! It's hard to describe what a crash feels like. A minute feels like an hour in that state. I feel so completely alone and being with Adam just adds to the feeling of aloneness. It's like I am trapped in a bubble which someone has filled with painful emotions and bits of memories of hurt and loss and I can't get out of it and no one can get in. It doesn't matter what the world is doing, if the sun's shining or the rain's falling because it can't affect me except to make me feel more alone and hopeless. I want to cry. My body feels heavy. Movements are very slow. I don't care what I look like, but I look different...pale, puffy eyes (probably because I don't sleep the same way when I'm like this), bedraggled. I curve into myself because holding my head up is an effort I don't have the motivation or will for. I stare, but I'm not looking out at anything. I'm just seeing a blur.

I felt despairing and I felt hopeless at the weekend but I guess I couldn't have been completely hopeless because I was holding onto the thoughts that a) I could remember feeling this way and worse in the past and had survived and b) if I could make it to Monday I'd probably switch to a more life compatible version of Candycan.

Monday came and I went along to see T at clinical psychology. Erm... trying to remember... erm... Oh yes! We talked about... gosh, I'm not sure. I'm not doing very well here. But I know it was difficult and I talked about, oh yes!...  the dreams. I was pleased with myself I guess that I was able to tell T at least one of the dreams because I definitely wouldn't have been able to talk about it out loud last year, or even perhaps earlier this year, without dissociating and ending up feeling everything physically or switching. So I feel that is huge progress, or else I was just in a different state that was more able to talk without getting overwhelmed. It was difficult and I felt my heart hammering in my chest. I know it's stupid but I still worry that T won't believe me, even though in reality she probably believes it more than I do myself. But while I was talking about the dreams and how I felt that the pains I had couldn't be a coincidence, I was worrying that she would think I was just making things up for attention and then I start to convince myself  that I am. Or at least just blowing things out of proportion. And I start doubting everything again.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a car that fell off the road into a lake and I was in the sinking car trying to get the windows open to get myself and the others in the car out. I've had this dream a thousand times and when I drive near water I always feel freaked out. That doesn't mean this actually happened to me though. So why should I assume that dreaming about terrible things happening to a child and then feeling physical pains means those things happened to me? I don't know. Why would I dream about those things happening to me if it wasn't because of past experiences? Then I say (inside), 'I know it's real because it feels real'. Even though I don't consciously know it, in a way, I kind of do at the same time. But then in another way, I know it's not. OK so to conclude... we can't rely on any opinions or feelings that come out of my brain!

So, I told T about the dream. She didn't say an awful lot although she did ask me if I had considered if these things might have happened to me. I think she was trying to get me to think for myself and come to that conclusion. I'm sure we talked about other things but I can't bring them to mind. Then, at the end of the session, we tried EMDR for the first time. I will tell you about that in another post.

My week has been pretty huge in some ways. First of all, I found out the results of my liver tests. I haven't spoken with the doctor yet, I just found out by looking up my blood results at work and have extrapolated through this my diagnosis, which is a genetic (therefore lifelong) disorder which can cause chronic fatigue like tiredness! I don't want to go into too much detail about this on here because I'm worried about my anonymity for various reasons but suffice to say, it's a lot to get my head around. In a way, I am happy that there is potentially an answer for the exhaustion I have been plagued with for some time now and therefore hopefully a treatment that can help. On the other hand, the treatment for the condition sounds like it could be pretty hard going in itself and might make me feel worse instead of better for the first long while. But, I need to speak to the consultant again before I get ahead of myself and thanks to the NHS being as it is, I will have to wait another two months for an appointment. I tried several times to contact his secretary this week to find out if there's anything I can do in the meantime and have come to the conclusion that they make it almost impossible to find the number on purpose so that patients can't ring up to bother them. I eventually got through to an answering machine, which proved to be pointless because two messages and several days later and I haven't heard a thing back from them.

The other big news of this week is that I have been offered a new job! This is a good thing in that it gives me job security until 2013 instead of until Christmas, but bad in that it potentially means starting in an area of work I always said I'd hate to work in and I'd be working under the supervision of the very person who bullied me when I was a student. Now, to be fair, I have come to like this area of work a bit more this year seeing as half the patients I am currently seeing would fall into this client group and although I haven't had much dealings with this bully from hell of a manager since I started working, I hope it might be different now that I am working as a professional and have a lot more confidence in my abilities. The other bad thing is that the girl who is currently doing this particular job is so stressed out, I feel it will kill me... and I see her as much more competent than I am. :S Given my current physical and mental state and the fact that I am just about managing to get through each working day by the skin of my teeth (teeth don't have skin...what's that about?) I am finding it hard to feel excited about the prospect of work in general, never mind starting a new job at the moment. Sigh.

These two things have kind of been occupying my head this week; the diagnosis much more than the job, so I haven't had too much time to think about my meltdown of last weekend until now. I've felt like I've struggled through each day. I'm now having to work late on a Wednesday evening as well and starting an extra project at work. It's all fun and games isn't it?

Emotionally I've just numbed myself through the week. I've been too busy to feel. This morning was my first moment of rest since last Sunday. Adam went out after lunch and I watched a bit of telly for half an hour then switched off the box, lay down on the living room floor and stared at the carpet while tears rolled out of my eyes and I thought about how empty and hopeless my life is looking. I went back into the kitchen and looked at the glass jar which is still sitting out from last weekend, for a moment... contemplating. Then I shook myself and got my laptop out to do some of the work that I can't fit into my working days but that is building up and causing me to have dreams about car crashes all night.

I'm starting to resent Adam. He hasn't been working now for a year. He could have been working if he'd wanted to. At the same time I understand why he hasn't taken a job but his line of work means he earns at least double my wage when he does work. If he was working now I'd have the option of cutting down my hours or even taking some time out to get well, but as it is, the mortgage needs paid and I must keep going in order to pay it. Last weekend I found myself asking Adam what would happen to the house if I died and he said that our insurance policy means the mortgage would be paid off. One of the things that has been on my list of 'reasons not to kill myself' is that it wouldn't be fair to leave Adam with the debt of the house. Now, it appears it would actually do him a favour in this regard. There are however, still two other reasons on the list at the moment so unfortunately, that's not an option.

I hate the world today

Today I am angry and tired and weary.

I feel like I am at the end of my tether. I know this is only temporary and just because of situations. Looking at it logically, it's just a matter of energy and maths. The energy I am expending on work is large and the energy I am expending on processing what's going on in my head is large. The energy resource I have for these things is not very large, therefore, there is no energy left after work and craziness for anything else, such as feeling like I want to be alive. I am in negative energy. The good news is, I don't really have the energy to care a lot of the time.

I cared in work today though. I felt so close to tears at several points.

I told my team leader (again) today that the work I have been expected to do is too much and that I have been working until 8 and 9pm most evenings and for hours at the weekend in order to reach the deadlines that I told her in April were too ambitious. She suggested (again) that I am not working efficiently enough. Except now I know that I am. I know I have been working harder than anyone else in my team. It's not me, it's them. I feel stuck though, because no one else has any insight into the kind of work I am doing except for one colleague, who won't support me in complaining because she knows some of my work would then be delegated to her.

Over the next few weeks I am delivering several days of training to a large group of people. My colleague was asked to attend to help deliver the training but when we sat down to decide what sections we would do on the days, she wasn't volunteering herself for barely anything. I felt pressurized into taking on most of the work. I looked over the allocations afterwards to find there was a 25/75 split in what we were doing. I approached her to ask if she would consider taking on more (not an easy thing for a mouse like me to do) and she was NOT happy. She got really annoyed and said that she thought that we had split it fairly. I then showed her the statistics on the amount of time we would each be talking for and she said: "Ugh, well I didn't realise we had come down to the level of counting minutes now!" I should have asked her if she could think of a fairer way to split the workload but instead I said something like how it would really help me out. She agreed to do slightly more but it barely changes the proportions. I am so angry with her. She hasn't done anything to help with the planning of the training so today's lack of co-operation has just been the icing on the cake really. But you can be assured she won't be shy about taking the credit for the training when it comes to feeding back at the next team meeting.

Work on it's own at the moment would be enough to send me to the edge but I feel like internally there is so much happening too. I feel like I can't stop the processes that are happening. It's hard to describe. I feel less able to control the others in my head lately. Like there is a mutiny; they've had enough of me holding them in and are determined that now is the time to break away from me. It's not necessarily a bad thing seeing as I have been trying not to be so much in control all the time but I'm scared. I feel like I am being dragged along behind.

God! I am sick of all the negativity. I bought some lillies the other day in a moment of clarity (the clarity involving realising that my life doesn't have many nice ingredients so I should try to inject some) and I am loving how they smell. They have lasted so long and every night when I get home from work I come in the door and smell them and it's like a little reminder that there is something in the world to be alive for, even if it's just a little thing like the smell of flowers (OK, that was my feable attempt at a positive comment!). I just need to find those little sparkles of hope in each day for the next few weeks and I will get there. I am sure I will feel better soon.