Thursday, 4 August 2011

Mental holiday over... back to therapy

After taking a mental holiday from myself while my therapist was away (see previous post) on her actual holidays, I was back at therapy today and boy was it tough! The down side of function mode is that, while it's great to spend two weeks thinking I don't have DID and being at best blissfully ignorant and at worst, confused about why I would have made up such an illness and wasted three years of therapy which could have been better used fixing my sick, twisted, malingering head; it is FUCKING hard coming out of it.
Coming out of function mode is always very difficult. It's like becoming aware of alters for the first time all over again. The internal stirrings are painful and make my anxiety levels go through the roof.

I had completely forgotten that one of my parts (Ebony) had written T a letter and I'd given it to her before she went on holiday. Even though I gave it to her, the act of doing so was like when someone gives you a note to pass on to someone else and you're not really interested in what's in it but you just hand it over out of duty. Even at the time I gave it to her, I couldn't really remember what was in it. I even read it myself a few days later yet still managed to forget all about it by today. I think my brain chooses not to remember things sometimes. T asked me about the letter today and I was surprised that I had forgotten about it.

I find Ebony hard to think about at the best of times. She is what I call one of the 'dark ones' and when I sense her stirring, I feel bad things. The emotions that come with her are unnameable. 'Bad' is the best I can do. In general, Ebony (and Little Ebony) doesn't get a look in because she brings pain and horrific images. Even writing this is difficult to tolerate. At best it is hard to allow her space. So can you imagine what it was like today going to therapy in function mode and being presented with a letter from Ebony and a T asking if she could talk to her? Ebony stirred, as she would. I felt like I was going to explode with the fear and panic that was rising inside me. I really struggled to hold it together.

I wonder sometimes how evident it is when I'm feeling like that inside. People often tell me I always look calm and that nothing phases me, when inside I may be freaking out. I think T is very good at reading me though and she didn't push things. She said she sensed my parts were quite passive today and that we would come back to it and then she helped me with some relaxation and grounding exercises (something she has introduced since the letter I sent her a while back). Perhaps I'll tell you more about these some other time.

Anyway, T said she was very interested in Ebony and is very keen to have a conversation with her. She also said that she would be happy for Ebony to write her more letters. Isn't that nice? It felt really good to hear that she is interested and doesn't hate it when she gets letters from the others.

Ebony will talk to her, I don't know when but she will. I know this is a good thing but it scares me so much because I fear what will be said.


Sandy said...

Hiya :)
Ebony sounds like a writer and maybe that is as far as she will allow contact to go. Part of me only sends e-mails to my therapist (usually doing what I perceive as damage control when I have a meltdown). That is just what that part does. And my therapist knows it and actually picks up on little things that help her shift gears or try something different.
If Ebony holds on to these emotions and memories the fact that she is conversing with your therapist suggests trust. And if she trusts your therapist enough to reach out (even if it is nasty or rude) it is the first step in opening up communications. My therapist always tells me "Grumpy kids are always welcome here" and I bet your therapist has a similar policy. Ebony is scared and so are you. Maybe this is a step for the two of you to work with your therapist in understanding where those feelings are coming from and help develop some new coping ideas. I know it is scary, but new things always are. It is very good modeling for all your parts with this new connection. I am so proud of you. This is really a great break through even though it is awkward. :)

Candycan said...

Thanks Sandy, this is a really encouraging comment. It's hard to believe there are actually other people in the world with shared experiences to me sometimes and it's nice to hear from people like you.