Monday, 10 January 2011

Therapy today: forcing me out of function mode

Today I had my clinical psychology appointment. The last one was cancelled as you may remember, so this was the first since before Christmas and as you may also remember, I have been in function mode over the Christmas period.

Well, it was strange being in the session and starting to have stirrings again from my parts because I get so used to not really having much going on in my head when in function mode. To feel it all starting to stir again causes my anxiety levels to go right up and I struggle with it all to be honest. I am now a fully 'feeling' human being, much to some of my parts' annoyance.

I think in general I would have rather stayed in function mode. Normally I force myself out of it in preparation for the session, but as I am going away travelling soon and with the imminent departure of my T at any time, I must confess I have been very tempted to allow myself to sink deeper into that state and to allow myself to start to believe I don't have DID at all. I even considered (and this has never before been an option in my mind) just not going back again and telling T I am feeling better thanks very much.

I have been feeling pretty sure that once T leaves on her 'extended leave' I will never see her again. I know she hasn't really given me any reason to believe this. I asked if she is going to come back and her answer was a typical psychologist's answer that she has no plans not to. What the heck does that mean? Well, it's easier for us to believe she is leaving for good and we can start to detach ourselves from her now, rather than thinking she will be back and then dealing with the pain of her not doing so.

Anyhoo, just an incling but I think there has been some change happening in me over the last few days. I watched the first half hour of 'Annie' and was nearly in tears several times and then again this morning when driving to work and I watched the traffic stop for an ambulance to pass (I don't know why but I tend to well up when I see this happen). Crying isn't really my thing in general.

Now I'm going to go and try to manage what's going on in my head. I think this has helped though.

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