I have a half written blog post which I would love to have finished but unfortunately must have gotten distracted during the writing of. The problem with that is that one part was obviously very inspired to write that particular post, but that part wasn’t me and although I could probably give it a shot, it wouldn’t flow as well.
I don’t feel as though I have much to say at the moment. I have definitely been in function mode of late as have not really had any feelings about anything. I was due to go to my psychology appointment with T today and was kind of not really looking forward to it because I have been feeling so separated from everything. When I feel like that, it feels like I don’t have dissociative identity disorder because things are pretty quiet inside. Well, T wasn’t there as she is off sick. The patronising and unfriendly receptionist told me she had left a message on my phone and when I said it hadn’t come through she proceeded to repeat my number aloud to me several times as though this was evidence that I was wrong in saying the message hadn’t come through so I acknowledged that the number was correct but that I did not get a message and she again told me that she had left one in a tone that suggested I was accusing her of lying and this went on for a bit until I gave up and said I would wait to hear from T. Why are there so many annoying people in the world with this defensive attitude? Especially in the North of the city where I live. People treat each other like dirt and it doesn’t even seem wrong to them because that’s how everyone is. I work in the south of the city and it’s amazing how much nicer people are over that way. Just a few miles and it feels like a whole different culture.
Anyway, I digress... I wasn’t really bothered by the let down. Normally something like this would really upset me as about 70% of the time I feel as though I just about manage to hold myself together from one session to the next and I would be all psyched up for the process. But being that I am in function mode, the only thing I felt was pissed off that I hadn’t known it was cancelled. I have to get out of work early for the appointments and make up the time later in the week. Because I had already driven from south to north for the appointment it was too late to drive back to work which means I’ll still need to make up this time later, plus I’ll need to try to negotiate getting out early again at some point soon which is difficult because I always feel paranoid that my supervisor will think I’m just skiving.
Anyway, I don’t really know where I’m going with this post (should I be admitting that? Lol) but I guess one thing I could say is (and I may have said this before)... I’ve always thought of function mode as being a part of me that isn’t really a part. I don’t think of function as a person, because it doesn’t have feelings... hence the lack of a real name. But in all honesty, function mode is a life saver for me. Life is so much easier for me in function mode and I don’t give this part enough credit for how helpful it has been to me throughout my life. It has gotten me through years at a time where things would have been overwhelming if I’d have actually had to ‘feel’ the emotions. I’m not saying I would like to live my whole life in function. It definitely has its down sides: I tend to have a lot more of the random physical ailments, sleep disturbances and can tend towards self harming to feel real when in function mode for too long. But I don’t think it is fair to write this off as a ‘non part’.
Anyway, that’s all. Sorry that this has been boring. Maybe next time a more inspired part will finish the other blog post, or maybe something else. Who knows!
Anyway, happy new year to you.
P.S I have started the last four paragraphs with ‘Anyway’. That’s a literary genius in the making right there.... hmm.