I just want to be alone

I'm drained; so physically and mentally drained. I don't know what has done it.Yesterday I had some energy for the first time in a while, so I made the most of it by digging out weeds in our garden. I really enjoyed myself. That's huge. I don't normally enjoy anything much, especially if it involves any kind of exertion. It was just so nice to be on my own doing something simple.

Maybe it was that I made a bit too much of making the most of it. I was digging for five hours non stop. I didn't want to stop because I was enjoying so much feeling 'into' something for once and I feared if I stopped I'd never start again. Maybe that's what did it.

Today I am made of lead again. My muscles ache and I haven't got one ounce of energy. Lifting my fingers to type: I can feel the muscles all the way from my fingers up to my shoulders hurting. This is not normal. Adam picked me up from work and I was so exhausted I didn't even have the energy to open the car door to get out when we got home, so I just sat there, hoping he'd come back out of the house to get me... which he did... eventually.

I've been in a bad mood for days now.

Adam is really driving me crazy lately. I feel guilty for feeling as I do about someone I'm supposed to be spending the rest of my life with but I have heard someone inside me shouting: "I hate you!" at him more than once recently. Everything he does and doesn't do just makes my blood boil. I can't stand sleeping in the same bed as him. I can't stand listening to him singing. I can't stand it when he looks at me. I want to scream at him to leave me alone. Everything he does is wrong. He says it's me. I say it's him. I don't trust myself enough to know what is the truth but I could hazard a guess as to say it's both of us; or a vicious circle. I blame him though because it seems if he would just leave me alone I'd be fine.

In reality I know it's the alter that is at the forefront. That person is not an easy person to like. She hates herself too. She's an angry angry person. But really, she just wants to be loved and doesn't feel loved. She's really hurting. Really hurting.