Thursday, 2 February 2012

The night before new psychologist (seventh session)

This post is short for my recent standards! So now that it's the night before my next psychology session and I have just about brought you up to date with the actual content of last week's session, I will attempt to fill you in on a few other things that have been going on over the past week. Just to warn you, this post is written with influence from an angry part and the wording may reflect that. 

In the last post I told you about the email I sent to new psychologist and a letter which explained over the course of three pages, exactly what I think is feckin wrong with me and what I think I need. In my pessimistic view of life I feel that sometimes the more honest and clearly one asks for help, the more likely it is that your request will be thrown back in your face and leave you feeling angry at the world and yourself for being so stupid as to believe another human being would want to help you. This has been my experience. So I felt it was pretty brave (and possibly very foolish) of me to write that letter and send it to new psychologist with the cover email that I posted you. I also sent the letter to my GP via email last Thursday and explained that I was coming to see her and hoped she could read it before my appointment. I'll tell you about how it went with my GP later, but just to bring you up to date on the new psychologist situ: she didn't write back to even acknowledge my email and the letter that I sent last Thursday. 

I thought this was rude, especially after I had clearly stated that I was worried about how I'd cope this week with Adam being away (he left on Monday and is coming back on Saturday) and that if she could at least contact me during the week this would be helpful. I also felt that it further identifies her complete lack of insight into how huge a thing it was for me to ask for help so plainly and honestly, as it would be for most people and I'd say definitely so if you have DID. So instead of realising how hard it was for me to ask her for help and obliging; or even at least writing back to say she had received the email and wouldn't be able to see me, she completely ignored it. Like I said previously, I know she was in work because she made the referrals that she'd said she was going to do on the Friday.

So today was Wednesday and I'm due to see her tomorrow. I had also asked in the email if she could confirm the venue for my appointment and she didn't write back (Wanker), so today I emailed her again and said that as I hadn't heard from her I'd assume it is at venue X unless I hear otherwise but that if she got this could she let me know for sure. This afternoon I got a call from the receptionist at my old therapist's work (which is not even the same physical address as new psychologist works at) to tell me that new psychologist had asked her to contact me and tell me it is venue X in the morning. What fucking fuck point is she fucking trying to fucking make?!

Sorry, but I am the only one who would feel pissed off about this? She obviously read my email, so she was obviously online. She could have easily clicked 'reply' and written 'It's venue X' and that would have taken her twenty seconds. Instead, she felt the need to contact a receptionist who works in a different centre to her, give the receptionist my number (which she would have had to look up as well) and ask her to ring me. That probably took at least twenty times as long to do. Even if she happened to be at that centre today for some reason and standing next to the receptionist, it still would have taken her much longer to sort it out that way than to just click reply. 

I'm guessing she is pissed off that I emailed her and she was making a point of not replying. Maybe she was pissed off about what I said in the email. Now don't get me wrong, it's fair enough if that she may not want to communicate via email however, I would never have sent her an email in the first place without checking with her if it was OK. When we first met I explained that I sometimes email T with things for her to read if I think they would be helpful and would she be agreeable to me doing this and she agreed that it would be helpful. She also told me last week to contact her if there was any problem with the appointment. So FUCK YOU NEW PSYCHOLOGIST if you think I'm crossing boundaries. I had also emailed her a few weeks ago with a link to a blog post that if she had read, would have really helped her to understand me, but I'm pretty sure she didn't read it or she would have acknowledged it or even if not, at least would not be acting like such a dick with no clue.

I'm kind of dreading tomorrow even more now though because I'm guessing I'm going to get a lecture telling me not to contact her between sessions in future. She really needn't bother because there is no way I'm going to be asking her for help again. I don't even want to see her again. I don't think I'll even be able to talk to her openly about anything in the sessions now. I feel like she has done her best to put my back up and make me feel unwanted and like I am a nuisance. She has been disrespectful in my opinion and really insensitive. The other parts are angry too and I just want to go into self protect mode. I feel like I have to go tomorrow though because not turning up would be giving up and I don't give up. I also don't want to get discharged which will happen if I don't turn up and then I won't be able to see T when she comes back... and I guess, despite all of this shit, part of me still remembers how the first few sessions were and hopes that she might be like that again.

I'm just so angry with her! Do you think I could make it through an entire hour session without speaking to her? 
I'm also pissed off about the fact that I have to get up at the crack of fucking dawn to drive through rush hour traffic and find a parking space in the middle of the fucking city to see her at 9am when I'm off work and could come at any other time of the day when it would take me a quarter of the time to travel there, just because she's got some fucking idea that I'm going to dissociate if she sees me in the afternoon. Fuck her. She doesn't fucking know me. It's serve her right if I do dissociate in the morning and fuck up the rest of her appointments for the day.

Breathe Candy... (maybe take a bath too)


Ruth said...

Sounds like tomorrow will be a rough session no matter what happens. It is so tough when you go in feeling pissed off. Keeping you in my thoughts for a good out come tomorrow. I do recommend remembering to breath. It helps. Read my post so you know I am not being sarcastic.

Pandora said...

I am not surprised you're pissed off. I'd be fucking raging too. Gah. I hope it goes/went as not-shitly as possible - I'm thinking of you!

Justine said...

Sounds really shit for you. I had a therapist that once did something a bit similar to that - for years emailed me back regularly, then when i criticised her went silent as though she was trying to avoid being 'pulled into something'. Still makes me rage thinking about it now. I knew she was angry with me and it took all my therapy session (which i paid for!) for her to admit it and for her to drop the 'professional facade' she had retreated behind.
I wonder if you feel so angry /furious because she is controlling you in quite a underhand way, and not really respecting your choices about work , ADam etc. By the way did reply to your last post but it just got lost for some reason!
I hope there's space for your feelings tomorrow /today and that you can get your anger heard. there might be a better place for you beyond it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Candycan

Ouch! Am so angry for you. I think you have got it spot on. Am still listening and totally behind you.

Sending all my love and hugs,
E x

JustEliza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JustEliza said...

I'm smiling while reading this post, not because I don't empathise with your frustration, but because I'm starting to see a very alive, undissociated Candy who is expressing her emotions and I'm absolutely thrilled about that. I know that you have supportive comments from others, so I'm going to focus on a different angle.

Please please please please please PLEASE find some way to share this all with her. If she can't cope, well, that's her problem not yours. But if she a proper psychologist/therapist, she can more than cope -- she can help you experience something you've perhaps not had before, AKA expressing anger and disappointment and frustration with someone and having them take responsibility for their actions. And more.

There is so much opportunity for growth here, which is exactly what you want. Don't run from it. =) We're right there with you. Be angry.

CimmerianInk said...

All I thought at the end was "Hell yeah!" I can't believe she didn't respond to your email!

She is not behaving in a professional manner at all and I think you wrote this beautifully. In fact, I was thinking that you should print this post out and read it to her. It's succinct and valid in every way.

Candycan said...

Ruth, thanks. I read your post. It's interesting, thank you. I'm not sure I'm as receptive to tough love as you were. I'll think about it though.

Thanks Pan, it's nice that you were thinking of me and always reassuring when other people feel the same way about the situation!

Archie, sounds like you were persistent with your therapist even though they were acting like a dick. It kind of puts me off even trying to discuss these things with them cos they always take that typical psychologist stance where they refuse to even justify themselves and it's just a one sided thing.

Erica, thanks for reading and for the support. It's always great to get your comments :)

Eliza, I know what you mean. When I look at it from the outside I think, it's rare that I 'feel' angry with the right person at the right time and I guess in a way it is progress. It doesn't really help though and this situation shouldn't be happening in the first place. I don't feel I can talk to her about it because she seems to block me out when I try to say anything she doesn't want to hear.

CimmerianInk, I was thinking that too. If she won't read the things I send her maybe I should just insist on reading them out loud to her! I can't make her listen though and you know when you can tell someone has made up their mind about you before they've even heard what you have to say. there's very little room for progress with that mindset. Thanks for your support.