Tuesday, 4 January 2011


I have a half written blog post which I would love to have finished but unfortunately must have gotten distracted during the writing of. The problem with that is that one part was obviously very inspired to write that particular post, but that part wasn’t me and although I could probably give it a shot, it wouldn’t flow as well.

I don’t feel as though I have much to say at the moment. I have definitely been in function mode of late as have not really had any feelings about anything. I was due to go to my psychology appointment with T today and was kind of not really looking forward to it because I have been feeling so separated from everything. When I feel like that, it feels like I don’t have dissociative identity disorder because things are pretty quiet inside. Well, T wasn’t there as she is off sick. The patronising and unfriendly receptionist told me she had left a message on my phone and when I said it hadn’t come through she proceeded to repeat my number aloud to me several times as though this was evidence that I was wrong in saying the message hadn’t come through so I acknowledged that the number was correct but that I did not get a message and she again told me that she had left one in a tone that suggested I was accusing her of lying and this went on for a bit until I gave up and said I would wait to hear from T. Why are there so many annoying people in the world with this defensive attitude? Especially in the North of the city where I live. People treat each other like dirt and it doesn’t even seem wrong to them because that’s how everyone is. I work in the south of the city and it’s amazing how much nicer people are over that way. Just a few miles and it feels like a whole different culture.

Anyway, I digress... I wasn’t really bothered by the let down. Normally something like this would really upset me as about 70% of the time I feel as though I just about manage to hold myself together from one session to the next and I would be all psyched up for the process. But being that I am in function mode, the only thing I felt was pissed off that I hadn’t known it was cancelled. I have to get out of work early for the appointments and make up the time later in the week. Because I had already driven from south to north for the appointment it was too late to drive back to work which means I’ll still need to make up this time later, plus I’ll need to try to negotiate getting out early again at some point soon which is difficult because I always feel paranoid that my supervisor will think I’m just skiving.

Anyway, I don’t really know where I’m going with this post (should I be admitting that? Lol) but I guess one thing I could say is (and I may have said this before)... I’ve always thought of function mode as being a part of me that isn’t really a part. I don’t think of function as a person, because it doesn’t have feelings... hence the lack of a real name. But in all honesty, function mode is a life saver for me. Life is so much easier for me in function mode and I don’t give this part enough credit for how helpful it has been to me throughout my life. It has gotten me through years at a time where things would have been overwhelming if I’d have actually had to ‘feel’ the emotions. I’m not saying I would like to live my whole life in function. It definitely has its down sides: I tend to have a lot more of the random physical ailments, sleep disturbances and can tend towards self harming to feel real when in function mode for too long. But I don’t think it is fair to write this off as a ‘non part’.

Anyway, that’s all. Sorry that this has been boring. Maybe next time a more inspired part will finish the other blog post, or maybe something else. Who knows!

Anyway, happy new year to you.

P.S I have started the last four paragraphs with ‘Anyway’. That’s a literary genius in the making right there.... hmm.



MultipleMe said...

I think it is sometimes good just to write what ever comes out - it can be very theraputic I think. Do not worry about what your readers think - this blog is about you and for you.

I think your function mode sounds very useful, its good to say it. Stacy is alot like that & I have a mindset that sometimes makes me like that without actually switching - for a short time anyway. I have to be careful though because I find that while I am not aware of it I am repressing my emotions and it hits me harder the longer I am in the frame of mind.
Take gentle care of yourself

castorgirl said...

I had a friend who, whenever she encountered rude service, would ask the person what she had done to them to make them treat her so badly - that was when they were really rude. Other times, she would ask them if they were having a bad day, because they seemed a little tense. She always said it in a caring, non-threatening way. If often caused the person being rude to pause and think about what they were saying. It often worked, she would get apologies, thanks for letting them know they were appearing rude... was really interesting to watch. I could never do it, but loved it when she did it on my behalf :)

So, sorry about the receptionists rudeness... that is uncalled for. It's hard to prove you didn't get a call, but it's easy for her to prove she called by showing you the phone logs so you can check it with your phone provider.

If you're making up the time, you're not skivving off... But yeah, I get about the paranoia, I get that too.

Function mode can be awesome, but it can also hide lots of things. I also get the self-harm stuff when I'm in my function mode for too long to. But it can be so attractive, as you get so much done, and don't feel the pain.

Write what you want, it's your blog :)

Take care,

Candycan said...

Thanks for your comments.

MM, I always try to just write for myself but at the same time, I don't want to bore ppl. LOL. But sometimes I worry too much about stuff.

I would like to be as diplomatic as your friend Castorgirl. I tend to have annoyance written all over my face in situations like that. LOL
Unfortunately its just something I have come to expect from people where I live. It's always so refreshing to meet someone helpful and friendly.