Friday, 26 August 2011

Someone wants us dead

I have promised myself I will go to bed early tonight as I have been so unbelievably fucking tired this week but not in the usual unexplainable way: mainly just because I haven't had enough sleep.
I did feel extra tired after going to therapy on... when was it?... Monday? Whenever it was anyway (the days are a blur at the moment). I think because I was getting out of function mode in the session it was quite draining. I feel that since then I have been coming more and more back to being aware of the alters and with it brings it's typical challenges.

Yesterday I was pondering on how I felt I was in a nice place. I was feeling more in tune with the others but not overwhelmed by them. I was comforted to feel them again. I sensed Pan and Little C on more of an emotional level than before, where I just observed that they were out without feeling anything. The same for some of the others.

Then I went to bed last night and something changed. I couldn't settle. I felt anxious and fearful. I looked about me and felt the world a dangerous place. I tried to let my breath out slowly but relaxing my breath felt like letting go of the bars on a theme park ride (you know you're not going to fall because you're strapped in but you hold on to them for dear life anyway). After a bit I switched on the lamp and grabbed a note pad from the floor (the great thing about being pathologically messy is that you're never far from something when you need it) and my husband's special pen from his drawer and did what I do when I feel the way I was feeling: write down what I can hear in my head.

I was going to describe what came out but maybe I will just type it directly on instead... hold on while I drag myself off the sofa and go upstairs to get the notepad which is still lying on the floor...

OK I'm back. Thanks for waiting. It appears that the first part is more like a conversation or random statements and words which I think are coming from more than one part. It then seems to shift to more of a rant by one part, which you will see shortly when I stop rambling and let you get on with reading it...

Just to warn you, it is not very nice and may be upsetting so take care and think before you read.

OK here we go:

"I don't like you speaking on my behalf
The pressure's on
Watch yourself
Wait and see
You're gonna pay
Pay back
You don't deserve that
It's what becomes of people like you
Bastard whore
She said
Silence was golden. Now you know we're still here.
I hate you 'Candycan'
You're dead. I'm going to kill you. Watch yourself. You think your wrists look nice now? Suffer. You will.
Show you... death... you will die
Stop it. Why are you hurting her? She's one of us.
This is not real. I'm making this up. It can't be real.
Re-al re-al re-al re-al
Your noise is drowning me out
Pay back pay back. You won't hide me. Bitch. Fucking shitface whore.
All you're good for is sucking dicks. In the cage. Her in the cage. Is she worth more than that?
Special pen pen pen pen special pen
Bad bad
It's only ink. It's not wrong. Who fucking gives one...
Sleep slapen slap micro
Listen. Listen to me. Please, I want to say... there are no memories. blackness blankness. Was I ever a child? Was I ever real? How did I get here to this life? Who is he? Why am I living here? I know the facts. I moved here with my family. But was that me. I've come into someone else's body and taken on their life. I have to presume those memories are mine.
What do you remember 'Candycan'?
A dress. A pink dress. Fasting. Feeling thinner. School. In school thinking about the end of the world.
No no not the bedroom. Please not be ours. Please not be real.
Hurt us hurt us hurt us
The door the door. Underwear. Man. legs. water. beard.
In the cage. In the cage.
Man breath. Read me a story daddy. Don't go to sleep mummy. Am I the best girl? I am going to be a mummy and will I love my babies.
Hang yourself. Cut yourself. Kill yourself. Burn it. You are a worthless shit. Those men only want you cos you're such a fucking worthless shit. No one would love you. Only fuck you.
That's all they want. They'll crush you and fuck you and leave you broken and polluted and stained. Don't let them. Fuck them hard to be your own boss then fucking kill yourself.

Stop it stop it stop it. We can be better. We can get help. 'T' is going to help us.

Don't open your fucking mouth and tell me that shit. You fucking think anyone can fucking help us? You think you won't be let down again and left again? You're a joke. I don't know why you're so naive. Don't go back. Just don't go. She won't care. You'll never hear from her and we can all move on. It'll be as if it never happened. Like the good old days again. She'll be glad to get rid of your whiney fucking cunt face. You repulsive shit. You make me sick. Why haven't you killed yourself yet? Why are you still writing everything like some nerdy dick. Gathering evidence so you can run to your precious 'T' and ask her to help you? You're a fucking retard and the sooner you get over yourself and... the better.
Jump off the building... dressing gown chord...cut your wrists. Take the tablets. How many options do you need? Who gives a fuck. I am going to do it anyway. Sooner or later I'll get you when you least expect it. I'm going to fucking kill all of us."

The end.

I fell straight asleep after this and doubt I would have remembered writing any of this down if I hadn't seen the pad there by my feet when I got up this morning.


JustEliza said...

I have this theory that in the nighttime our ability to dissociate is weaker, so people with DID switch a lot more regularly and rapidly between identities/states/parts.

It was brave of you to write all of that down and share it here. How do you feel about it?

Candycan said...

That's an interesting theory. I remember you saying something about the stage between sleeping and waking on the NHS blog some times ago. apop... something? Sorry, I am a bit thick sometimes!
it was hard typing it up and I didn't reflect on it much afterwards because it's too risky to get too in tune with it all sometimes. I feel just very separate from it. I don't know what part it is that talks that way. Someone I'm not very connected with. Things like this used to freak me out something shocking but nowadays it doesn't scare me as much because I understand about DID. I think I will talk about this more in a post.

Sandy said...

I hate when things get so loud like that. I agree with Eliza that it was very brave to write and share.
I hope that getting some sleep helped to settle things down. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Candycan, I also agree with everyone else... its very brave of you to share with us! I'm not sure if i could to be honest!

When i started art therapy i was only aware of two parts, i felt safe in this! Then once the counselling started i became aware of more and more of them via my therapist telling me as i switched i had no recollection of them! They started to talk to me directly through my journo and in my head... i discovered a bad one who would threaten me and said he'd kill me often... i'd retell the story to my therapist and i'd switched apparently he actually was threatening me to safe myself from finding out a (secret) that he was trying to protect me from! So scaring me would stop me from digging deeper with the therapist... My T tried to reassure him, when I came back i had literally five minutes to spare before my session was up and my T shared what had been said! I'm telling you this Candycan so maybe you get another perception of what might be happening! I hope you managed to get some sleep!

Ps. I don't know about you but I keep on going through a cycle of not being able to sleep!! I know that there are some of my parts are scared because something might happen to them! My T says its because those tiny parts of me are stuck back in the late 75's in that era and believe that there are still there, I often have to read bedtime stories, nursery rhymes, draw in my journo...

I hope that me and the other bloggers have left you feeling reassured! Axx

Candycan said...

Hi Sandy, thanks for your well wishes! Things have been settled enough thanks.

A, I have read about this scenario which seems to be a common thing in DID: a part that is threatening but it is trying to protect the system from finding out about bad stuff. It makes sense. I don't know if this is what's happening with me or not.
I get phases of not being able to sleep too and doing things like reading stories is probably a really great idea. I have a teddy which without fail I sleep snuggled up to at nights, but when Little C is feeling scared the teddy is a real comfort. My husband is good at reassuring her too. Sometimes though I just need to write everything down. I also go through phases of sleeping like a log and these things just aren't an issue for a while. Do you find that too?

Interwoven minds said...

Yes I get the same thing too... I am usually really tired after an hectic day or a day repeating flashbacks, I do try and ground myself but sometimes this is overwhelming! The teddy idea is great, I do that too and as well as trying to reassure parts of me that are unsettled! Going back to hearing unwelcome voices, I do tend to distant myself to them and after a good nights sleep I almost touch against the emotion and this also overwhelms me to a point where i cant or will not accept it... I usually jot it down and discuss it with my T... over time I almost experience the emotion but its a kind of trial and error scenario! there's no right way, i guess it comes when your system and you feel its right in your body or mind! Ax