Thursday, 26 July 2012

Out with the new and in with the old

We here at the Candycan company are delighted to announce that the lovely, wonderful, marvellous, amazing T is back and we are reunited! That's my old clinical psychologist for any newbies reading (welcome!). She has been off since December and it has been, to put it mildly, fucking awful.

I don't remember the last time I felt this happy. Maybe my wedding day or when I got my GCSE results and discovered I'd got all As and A*s? OK I feel a bit pathetic now, but it's true... seeing T again has just made me feel great (and so did doing well in my GCSEs. Bear in mind that I grew up being told I was all kinds of stupid and hopeless. No one expected such things from me, never mind me.).

I was dreading seeing T again for a while as I had the attachment theories in my head and had hypothesised that given that I appear to have the disorganised attachment history and have clearly developed some kind of attachment to T, that her return would trigger some kind of adult sized strange situation re-enactment. I was half expecting myself to freeze on the spot and get stuck in a mixture of relief and despair or perhaps run up to her and grab her in my arms and then fall about crying or goodness knows what. Well, there's always next week's session but at least for this one it was just happy, happy, happy Candycan.

Although I did feel extremely nervous and my hands were shaking like a leaf during the session and now that I come to think about it... I remember thinking I was going to throw up a few times and I wondered about running out of the door. But those are just normal 'therapy' feelings for me, so I didn't really put it down to the reunion. Anyway, it was good. She is amazing. No one gets me like she does. And I'm not just saying that because I have rose tinted glasses on; the past six months without her have been all the proof I need.

Today we were just catching up a bit on what's been happening with me since she's been gone. It was kind of a whistle stop tour of the year so far and really, I only got to give her the headlines. I feel like I need to say much, much more to her. Hopefully next week we can go over some more stuff. I don't feel ready to move on yet.

Saying goodbye to New Psychologist last week was unremarkable. We didn't talk about the argument we'd had at the end of the previous session. I suppose what would the point have been? But I did notice she wasn't interrupting me and she only annoyed me once when I found out she has rang my GP for updates and to give updates three times without even mentioning it to me. I said I felt like I had a right to be told these things. I can understand why she wouldn't think I need to but that's my view. I don't have any more to say about her for now. Most of the time I didn't know whether to strangle her or award her with a medal for being a flipping genius. I am grateful for her help though; I could see she was trying and she did bring some really good things to the therapy. But, I wouldn't swap her for T. I can't handle that kind of variation in a therapist. I need someone consistent and stable and grounded, which I don't think NP was.

I've just been feeling all warm and fuzzy today since seeing T. She must think I'm a right dick, with my silly feelings for her. I told her I was really happy she's back and that I really missed her and she said she was 'glad to be back' and 'happy to see all of' her patients again. So diplomatic. Sigh. I'm really feeling like a dick myself now so I'm off to pretend I didn't just have a sudden moment of realisation that I have these stupid feelings about someone in an artificial relationship that is one sided and inevitably going to end in a painful and final separation.

And this post started so positively...


Ann Marie said...

We are so happy that you had so many good moments before someone rained on your parade. There's going to be a lot of feelings I would guess both negative and positive coming up. I lot our T for a bit - basically went from 8 sessions a month to 2 sessions and when we did go in ally we would do was cry ... it triggered so many feelings of abandonment. It seemed to help knowing those would be normal feelings have. We're now at 8 sessions again, but will probably always be a little more cautious. It's especially fun though that you got to feel some of the warm and fuzzy today HURRAH! I'm pretty sure you've got a special place in her heart. Just a LOT of work being in therapy. It's a good "job" though, don't you think?

Our best,

Karen said...

I'd be pissed off by "I'm glad to see all of my clients" too (well, less so with my current therapist, but I'd have probably slit my wrists - seriously), so don't feel like a dick; I think it's normal in such an intimate situation, where someone knows so much about you, yet you know damn all about them :-(

But overall I'm delighted for you. It's clear how important it is for you to have her back and it really sounds like she's the best therapist for you :-) I really hope things continue to go so well under her watch.

Take care :-)

Karen xoxox

Ellen said...

I so wish T could have responded that she is happy to see you, specifically. I'm sure she was...I wish she would have said it and I can totally see why you'd want that.

Happy for you Candy that she is finally back. I agree the feeling stuff is more important than any brilliant insights.

Healing said...

Thats great that your T is back. I know what its like to make a connection with a T and then they are gone.

Hopefully that wont happen any time soon with the T I am seeing now.

Ruth said...

I am happy for you. Nice to hear bubbly happy. To me, it is also reasonable to recognize that it is temporary. I am starting to have fewer sessions and discovering that the healthier I get, the less I want to be in the counselor's office. Sounds like T gave a nice safe healthy boundary answer. I think part of the reason you like T is because she is safe. Enjoy the feeling.

Stationary Runner said...

Ooooh, I can so empathize with your feelings re: your T's comment. I was gone for a month last summer and at my first session upon return told my T that I'd really missed him. His response: "It's good to see you, too." Really??? I have a feeling it all goes back to boundaries and them wanting us to be self-reliant.

Anyway, I'm so glad she is back and that you had a good first session overall!

Candycan said...

Thank you so much everyone for the supportive comments :)
I have been feeling quite down since I wrote this. I think I scuppered myself by reflecting on T's comment. I guess it is only natural to be a bit wavering at the moment.