Never Grow Up

It's hard to know how to feel about the prospect of integration: alters becoming one more unified person. Although it would surely make for an easier life, the thought of the little ones growing up can be very hard and sadness is only natural. It's no wonder some people choose not to integrate.

What are your thoughts?

Out with the new and in with the old

We here at the Candycan company are delighted to announce that the lovely, wonderful, marvellous, amazing T is back and we are reunited! That's my old clinical psychologist for any newbies reading (welcome!). She has been off since December and it has been, to put it mildly, fucking awful.

I don't remember the last time I felt this happy. Maybe my wedding day or when I got my GCSE results and discovered I'd got all As and A*s? OK I feel a bit pathetic now, but it's true... seeing T again has just made me feel great (and so did doing well in my GCSEs. Bear in mind that I grew up being told I was all kinds of stupid and hopeless. No one expected such things from me, never mind me.).

I was dreading seeing T again for a while as I had the attachment theories in my head and had hypothesised that given that I appear to have the disorganised attachment history and have clearly developed some kind of attachment to T, that her return would trigger some kind of adult sized strange situation re-enactment. I was half expecting myself to freeze on the spot and get stuck in a mixture of relief and despair or perhaps run up to her and grab her in my arms and then fall about crying or goodness knows what. Well, there's always next week's session but at least for this one it was just happy, happy, happy Candycan.

Although I did feel extremely nervous and my hands were shaking like a leaf during the session and now that I come to think about it... I remember thinking I was going to throw up a few times and I wondered about running out of the door. But those are just normal 'therapy' feelings for me, so I didn't really put it down to the reunion. Anyway, it was good. She is amazing. No one gets me like she does. And I'm not just saying that because I have rose tinted glasses on; the past six months without her have been all the proof I need.

Today we were just catching up a bit on what's been happening with me since she's been gone. It was kind of a whistle stop tour of the year so far and really, I only got to give her the headlines. I feel like I need to say much, much more to her. Hopefully next week we can go over some more stuff. I don't feel ready to move on yet.

Saying goodbye to New Psychologist last week was unremarkable. We didn't talk about the argument we'd had at the end of the previous session. I suppose what would the point have been? But I did notice she wasn't interrupting me and she only annoyed me once when I found out she has rang my GP for updates and to give updates three times without even mentioning it to me. I said I felt like I had a right to be told these things. I can understand why she wouldn't think I need to but that's my view. I don't have any more to say about her for now. Most of the time I didn't know whether to strangle her or award her with a medal for being a flipping genius. I am grateful for her help though; I could see she was trying and she did bring some really good things to the therapy. But, I wouldn't swap her for T. I can't handle that kind of variation in a therapist. I need someone consistent and stable and grounded, which I don't think NP was.

I've just been feeling all warm and fuzzy today since seeing T. She must think I'm a right dick, with my silly feelings for her. I told her I was really happy she's back and that I really missed her and she said she was 'glad to be back' and 'happy to see all of' her patients again. So diplomatic. Sigh. I'm really feeling like a dick myself now so I'm off to pretend I didn't just have a sudden moment of realisation that I have these stupid feelings about someone in an artificial relationship that is one sided and inevitably going to end in a painful and final separation.

And this post started so positively...

Last session with New Psychologist tomorrow!

I'm on my way to bed but just felt like writing a blog post so should make the most of it because as you can see, inspiration has been lacking this year so far. I don't know why that is.
Anyway, I have to announce that after almost seven long, painful months, I am finally saying goodbye to New Psychologist tomorrow... well that's what I've been told anyway. T was due to come back a few months ago and you may remember my triumphant announcement indicating the same. That was before she had an unfortunate incident and had to go off sick like the week after she had returned (in which time I didn't yet get to see her... possibly a good thing).
I would need to write an essay to describe the goods and bads of my time with New Psychologist but to sum it up she has been brilliantly insightful, helpful and amazing however equally as horrifyingly unprofessional, judgemental, clueless and argumentative. I can't figure out if I like her or hate her.
I think it's fair to say I can appreciate that a different perspective has been helpful and her practical techniques have been useful but at the same time I don't think I'll be shedding any tears after saying goodbye to her. It's clear to me that she has her own personal issues which unfortunately cloud her judgement as a therapist and that's going to be difficult for her if she doesn't address them. It did however give me plenty of opportunity to practise confronting people about difficult issues, which is something I've never been good at.
I'm looking forward to seeing T again soon but also dreading it. I know enough about myself now to know that any transition seems to be difficult and I guess we will have to readjust to each other. I will also have to get used to the realisation that T is human too and my coping method this year has been keeping a vision of her in my mind as a perfect being. I'm not fooling myself though when I say she understood me a thousand times better than New Psychologist and being understood is crucial isn't it?