Saturday, 24 September 2011

Physical memories of trauma (Therapost) and guess who's coming to town?

I've just taken a diazepam so hopefully by the time I've finished writing this post I won't be having palpitations and blood rushing through my head making my veins bulge and I'll feel more on top of the world instead of the world on top of me.

Monday was a surprisingly intense session at clinical psychology. I didn't expect it to be so, given that I still feel separate from other parts (don't worry, I'm not going to start talking about my 'I don't have DID' crisis again: suffice to say, it hasn't passed yet). I don't really feel like talking about the session but I think I will regret not making a note of it when I read back in future so I'll keep this part brief (later edit: Ha!).

Basically, T had copied the summaries of alters and compiled them into a wee table for clarity (which I felt very chuffed about). She gave me a copy and I noticed that she was missing a couple of people so I pointed it out to her. One that she had missed is a child alter who tends to initiate sex, especially oral sex with Adam, but then usually leaves again and leaves another part (sometimes Ebony) to endure sex when they don't want to. We talked about this part a bit and about what happens for me during sex. I explained how I often switch during sex and it can become... like it's not Adam... and very, very painful.

I don't really want to go into all the details at the moment, but while T was talking with me on Monday, in fact even when she was just reading aloud the description of that child part, I started feeling really sick in my stomach, like I was going to throw up. My body started having all kinds of reactions and T said that it was clear I was having a physical reaction in response to this and that it was a physical memory of things that have happened in the past. Now, I'd like to point out that the reactions were purely physical and emotional, so in my mind, I was still that person who doesn't quite believe they have DID anymore. I was so confused as to why I was feeling so sick and breathless and agitated and everything else. I felt upset but separate from it all too. I couldn't understand why my body was behaving this way and why I was feeling so emotional about this when I didn't remember anything bad happening to me. I was crying too (well, my eyes were crying; it didn't feel like me). I said: "I don't know why I'm crying!" and T said that perhaps there is another part that feels sad about the things that have happened. I felt sad too when she said that. I felt like a meanie. Why can't I know that part and what it is they went through?! I remember also exclaiming at one point: "I hate myself! I hate myself so much!"

I was really struggling by the end; I think time changes for me in those moments. T says, 'time takes on a more elastic nature' or something like that, because when I looked at the clock, it was half past one and I'd come to see her at twelve! I was mortified, it's supposed to be strictly a 50 minute appointment. I felt so guilty for keeping her back. I couldn't get myself 'grounded' enough though and T decided to ask for Grace to help me. I felt so close to switching to Grace but I don't want T to see Grace properly because it would be such a dramatic difference and the thought of that just embarrasses me (I don't know why because I can guarantee she would much prefer Grace to me). I was able to hold her inside but she helped and I pulled on a sort of smile and said I was OK and picked up my bag, then T pointed me towards the toilet explaining that I had a bit of a mascara situation going on (Cringe!!!!).

I felt so ashamed of myself for having let the session go on so late again, after all we went through just a few months ago with the time issues. I don't want to go back there again. It makes me scared that there will be another confrontation. And I know she was sympathetic this week and seems to understand that I'm not aware of the time passing, but she always was before when it happened, until one day when she announced it had to stop and that on some level it is under my control. Grr! Leave it in the past Candycan! I don't want to think of T being annoying because most of the time she is amazing and although I'm scared to death of her most of the time in the sessions, outside of the sessions, most of the time I feel comforted when I think about her. I also felt bad for her on Monday because she wasn't feeling well and I could tell she was a bit out of sorts. The last thing she really needed was someone re-experiencing an apparent trauma in her office when she probably just wanted to be at home in bed.

What was also not great about this whole thing, was that I had a clinic starting at two o'clock and here I was at half one (one thirty, for any foreigners!) in a dissociated state with mascara all over my face. You can imagine how my clinic went... or can you? Well, it actually went just as well as usual (the wonders of having multiple personality disorder!) except that the 'me' running the clinic felt like she had just been lifted by an ogre and slammed flat on her back on a concrete floor. I had strange pains all up the back of me into my neck and over the back of my head. The front half wasn't feeling too good either, what with still feeling like I was going to hurl at any minute.

Since Monday, I haven't 'dwelt' on it at all, that's probably why I didn't want to write about it and didn't actually come on here today with the intention of writing about it at all. I haven't felt too top notch though and I've been a bit mentally slow or something. I feel my work getting on top of me again, perhaps because my focus hasn't been too great. I've been struggling with time.

But there are other things on my mind too.... work pressures are building again, just the way they were a few months ago... I have an interview next week (always good to stress me out)...


my father is coming over from England soon. I hate it when he visits. I hate seeing him. Each time is more painful than the last. I don't want to see him! He does this really annoying passive thing where he just announces on his Facebook profile that he is coming and hopes he might see 'people'. He won't directly get in touch to ask if I want to see him. He does that because he knows then that the ball is in my court. Either he wants to see me but is too proud to make a gesture directly to me because his ego is so fragile or he doesn't want to see me and is just trying to tick the box so that I can't blame him for not making any effort. It makes me angry. He's so immature. My sister removed him from her Facebook over a year ago when he refused to come to her wedding because his new wife wasn't invited and after just recently being reunited on Facebook, he posted on her wall that he 'hadn't even noticed he wasn't her friend'. What a dick head! It's like the time he contacted me the day after my birthday to tell me he had a reminder on his phone that it was 'Candycan's' birthday but he couldn't remember who 'Candycan' was (just to clarify, it wasn't actually 'Candycan' but my real name). Either he has DID too (I very much doubt that) or he was just trying to hurt me. What fucked up twisted shit wants to hurt their own daughter? Meet my dad.

So I don't want to see him but I feel like I should, because he is my father and I owe it to him. I explained this to Adam just before I started writing this and he said something which almost made me cry (God help us: if I cry about my dad, I'll never stop). He said: "If you don't want to see him; don't.Your dad's taken as much from you as he's given you."

I would like to feel I don't owe him anything. I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling that way.


TWCrew said...

You don't owe you dad anything. If he's not safe or mature enough to stop hurting you, then you might need to take a break like your sister did. I had to make that choice. It's hard giving up on my sperm donor ever being a Father, but he won't ever be able to do that. I don't miss him, I miss that Father we're. Supposed to have when families work right (even normal levels of dysfunctional would have been nice!). I also found my recovery went faster and deeper when he was gone from my life.

JustEliza said...

Please be safe. Do not see your father if you do not want to. You matter. All of you!

Sandy said...

I agree with the comments above. My healing work was stuck in a rut until I listened to those words of "You don't have to see them." It was empowering. Hang in there :)