Hello you. I hope your Sunday evening has been more fun than mine (or will be depending on where you are)
I have just spent the last three hours studying. I checked over my clinic list on Friday before I left work to find I had a lovely set of conditions I don't have a fricking clue about coming in to see me tomorrow morning, so I have been desperately cluing myself in. I do feel somewhat more competent now, if a little bit pissed off about having studied for so long.
This week brings the return of my T from her jolly holidays. It has been interesting to observe how I coped with her absence. At first I missed her like mad, which was silly because it was only a few days after our last session and I wouldn't have normally seen her in that time anyway. Then, after not too many days, I just stopped caring. I stopped thinking about her as much and when I did think about her, I felt unsure as to whether she really even ever existed. I felt very separate from her and without emotion. I also noticed my general awareness of myself and my parts dramatically decreased at about the same time and I have even found myself wondering if I have 'parts' at all. Then I start to think I don't have DID at all and I wonder what on earth I must have been thinking for the last three years of therapy! I understand that this is another part of myself who doesn't believe in the existence of the others, but it is very convincing when it's in charge.
I feel this is my way of coping with things that would otherwise be difficult. In this instance, it was the psychological distance from my therapist and possibly the potential feeling of abandonment due to all of that transference crap. In another sense though, I think I wanted to be sure I wasn't going to have any DID crises that would cause me to need her while she wasn't available and being aware of how fragile my stability can be, I sort of unconsciously (maybe slightly consciously) decided to take a mental break from myself and my parts and let the non believing part take over for the most part. It has been rather effective, I have to say, although I am going to have to make a conscious effort over the next few days to get out of that zone or going to therapy this week is going to be a nightmare.
The other problem is, she has given me homework to do and I tried to do it yesterday but felt completely overwhelmed by the task. I want to just not do it and explain that I needed a mental break but I don't know if she would be annoyed about that.
1 comment:
I can relate to a lot of what you describe. I still have the staff to fall back on when my therapist is on vacation, but I can relate to numbing myself when I really need to and denying all the DID ever existed. It is a powerful protective measure when you can't be consumed by your DID symptoms for a bit. I don't have this this year when my therapist is on vacation (I switched a lot lately, in fact), but I did last year.
As fo rhomework, I was given homework too and truly need to start doing it (for me it's a daily task, but I can excuse myself with not giving my therapist four weeks worth of homework). It is hard, and, while my therapist tends to accept it if I haven't done my homework, I feel it is better if I do it.
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