Wednesday, 13 July 2011

I just want to be alone

I'm drained; so physically and mentally drained. I don't know what has done it.Yesterday I had some energy for the first time in a while, so I made the most of it by digging out weeds in our garden. I really enjoyed myself. That's huge. I don't normally enjoy anything much, especially if it involves any kind of exertion. It was just so nice to be on my own doing something simple.

Maybe it was that I made a bit too much of making the most of it. I was digging for five hours non stop. I didn't want to stop because I was enjoying so much feeling 'into' something for once and I feared if I stopped I'd never start again. Maybe that's what did it.

Today I am made of lead again. My muscles ache and I haven't got one ounce of energy. Lifting my fingers to type: I can feel the muscles all the way from my fingers up to my shoulders hurting. This is not normal. Adam picked me up from work and I was so exhausted I didn't even have the energy to open the car door to get out when we got home, so I just sat there, hoping he'd come back out of the house to get me... which he did... eventually.

I've been in a bad mood for days now.

Adam is really driving me crazy lately. I feel guilty for feeling as I do about someone I'm supposed to be spending the rest of my life with but I have heard someone inside me shouting: "I hate you!" at him more than once recently. Everything he does and doesn't do just makes my blood boil. I can't stand sleeping in the same bed as him. I can't stand listening to him singing. I can't stand it when he looks at me. I want to scream at him to leave me alone. Everything he does is wrong. He says it's me. I say it's him. I don't trust myself enough to know what is the truth but I could hazard a guess as to say it's both of us; or a vicious circle. I blame him though because it seems if he would just leave me alone I'd be fine.

In reality I know it's the alter that is at the forefront. That person is not an easy person to like. She hates herself too. She's an angry angry person. But really, she just wants to be loved and doesn't feel loved. She's really hurting. Really hurting.


JustEliza said...

I get like that when I'm suffering from DR/DP --- exhausted, numb, hypersensitive, fragile, impatient. All of those things as associated with stress and, well, you have experienced a lot of stress lately.

Perhaps it is a dissociation thing, to split one's feelings so that one's husband becomes unbearably detestable one day and amazingly lovely the next. ;-)

Do you want to be alone because you feel alone? Often we want something to match how we feel, which seems quite backwards, but it has to do with cognitive dissonance. Maybe you want Adam to recognise how alone you feel? It is horrible feeling this way, and you deserve some love and support especially when you are hurting like this.

Candycan said...

Yes, you're probably right. It's some kind of fucked up dissociation thing. A way of distancing self from emotions by blocking everything out which results in an inability to tolerate any intrusions into the blank state, because it's fragile.
You're right about the backwards part too. Even though pushing him away and not being able to stand him near her, she also just wants him to hold her and show her he loves her. Really fucked up.

sharon said...

I am reading this in emotional tears.... My boyfriend of 2 years has just told me our relationship is over.It has been a week and I have not contacted him in this time...But last night I relented and rang him..he told me the same as when he ended it he just wants to be alone....No warning nothing, no argument, falling out he always told me he loved me and showed me such attention, and I just dont understand why???? I work shifts and find it difficult to juggle work life sometimes but after 2 years thought we were ok. The only advice I can give you is that you should write a letter with all your feelings and emotions in it. your partner is probably feeling like you distress and heartache.
today is my birthday and i know he wont contact me this is worst then ever as I keep thinking about all the good times and the first birthday we were together and how he made me feel.
I will never understand how he could feel this way towards me i thought we would have been together forever... he has been hurt in the past in relationships so thats why I think he feels this way... You need to reach into your innermost thoughts and write all your feelings down.
Im hoping this is a blipp in our relationship and reading your email hope yours is too.
I cant focus on anything!!! feel empty and down.
I hope you find the happiness in your relationship you obviously had, just think about your partner too confide in him and dont push him away... All I can say is you have your feelings but he is hurting too.
Good Luck I hope you work this out and get it back on track you sound like a lovely person.


Candycan said...

hi sharon, i hope you will feel some peace soon. C