I don’t feel as though I have much to say about the clinical psychology session I was at yesterday except that it was tough. I was dissociating lots or as I would call it: ‘zoning out’ and I feel now like a shell of myself. I think other parts were coming out. I remember my T telling me to stop hitting myself on the head and although at the time, I didn’t feel anything; my head is covered in bruises today. I’ve also got nail marks all over my hands.
I have just gotten through my work day by keeping reminding myself to just do what I can in each space of five minutes or so. It’s been slow. I achieved probably half the amount of work I would have done on another more average day. Stopping for lunch I sat outside on my own to allow my mushy brain time to rest and that was nearly enough to send me off to space again. Better to stay focused and present until I am safe at home on my own under a blanket and then I will start to let it all catch up with me. Not long to go.
Last night I didn’t get to sleep until about 3 am. I had strange dreams that I was eating soap.
I am so happy to be getting off work today for Easter. I need the time to crash out but I am also scared that I won’t be able to get myself going again. I feel like I’m always trying to keep a balance between normal functioning in life and sorting through the mess in my head. There’s a very fine line to walk because it’s hard to do both well at the same time.
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