Tuesday, 22 March 2011

DID crisis!

I have a huge DID related problem that I need a magic wand for....

My return to work after my big trip has been made more scary than it would be otherwise by the fact that I am now in a new job role (same work place but different area of work). It's at the level that I am qualified to work at now (up until now I've worked in a job that I didn't need my degree for).

I had such a hard time getting through university. I was bullied by my supervisors and was having a lot of problems with dissociation because of this (I didn't know it was dissociation at the time but looking back now I can see that it was. I couldn't figure out where all of my time was going to amongst other things.) which meant I wasn't able to do the work properly which made the bullying worse, which spiralled down to end with me being failed in what should have been the last month of a four year course.

I was carted off to a counsellor and told not to come back to uni until I was better (I had admitted that I was struggling with depression). I didn't know I had DID yet but I knew enough about myself to know that a few counselling sessions was not going to fix me so in time my high functioning on top of the world self took over and presented a lovely rosy picture of my recovery to my counsellor who then informed my uni that I was 'better'.

This super duper 'part' then went back and finished my uni course some two years after I should have graduated and flew through the repeat section of it as though she had been doing the work daily over the course of a twenty year career. She wowed the supervisors (and me) and passed with first class honours.

I see the person that did this as someone else, not me. I feel like a fraud. It wasn't me who did the work or got the first. I didn't even want to attend my graduation and a part tried to sabotage this by making sure I missed the deadline for booking in to attend. My husband found out and rang the uni to make sure I could go so I went in the end and I did feel proud in that moment but afterwards I felt like a fraud again.

That was two years ago now and I am just starting a job in the field I studied in. I'm more highly qualified than any of my colleagues but I feel completely incompetent. I feel like I don't have the knowledge or skills to do the job properly.
I know there is a part of me that does have the capacity and I was really hoping she would take over and that I'd be able to do the work with no problem but I have now done a couple of days and she isn't here!

What am I going to do? My therapist talks about me communicating internally with parts to ensure co-operation. She said I should ask that part to share the knowledge with other parts, but I don't know how to do this! I can't control my parts like that! I don't choose who comes out and when and I don't know how to get this part to take over now.

What am I going to do? I feel completely overwhelmed and incapable and I feel like it's only a matter of hours before I get discovered for being this fraud. What makes it even scarier is that this is not just my perception of things. The evidence is there from the past, I need that part in order to do well. I was hopeless without her. Today I felt hopeless. My work today was not good enough and I had evidence of that.

What am I going to do? I think the stress is affecting me already. Today I struggled with wanting to purge after my dinner. I haven't thought about doing this in months. I feel like I don't have control over myself.


MultipleMe said...

You aren't a fraud because another part finished the degree - it was achieved through your system and therefore its the achievement of the entire system (which includes you).

When I was really struggling with communication inside I would write a letter to my parts in our journal - I would tell them what was wrong, what I wanted to happen and ask how they could help achieve it. The system is there to get you through so trust that it will help you - its just a matter of finding a way that works for you guys.

I hope this helps. Congratulations on the new job even if it is scary. I believe you can get there.

castorgirl said...

I get this same anxiety and feeling as if I'm a fraud each time I get up to teach. My degree seems so distant from me and what I know, yet in reality, most people don't remember much of their degrees. If you asked me know about some of the basics of librarianship, I'd struggle to answer. Yet ask me about Google Reader, ebrary or any of the current things that I'm working with, then I'm fine.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, there's always a settling in period to any new job. The thing is, to find a kind soul amongst the workers who is willing to show you the ropes - that is part of the training process, so should be offered. Also, you don't have to come in with all guns blazing into a new job, often a soft approach is one which will endear you to the other staff, moreso that jumping up and down and demanding things.

You got the job, not only because of your qualifications. You got the job because of your personality. Try what Kylie suggests, and see if that helps. But also remember that you don't have to be superwoman. I often highlight my flaws to make those around me more at ease. It's ok to make mistakes and not be sure of things... that's being human.

Congratulations on the new job, and good luck!

Take care,

Anonymous said...

Hello i have a question please about your t asking you to ask parts to communicate and you say you dont know how to do this. you dont choose who comes out when and how to get a part to do a certain task. thats the exact thing i am struggling with now. we call them voices because thats what they are to me anyways. but its the control thing that just bugs me to no end. it just happens and i dont say when or how or who. i listen but i am not like saying ok sally its your turn or charlie you need to do this. i dont know names or anything. i guess i who ever wrote my t a letter explaining who some voices where but i dont know anything about that. i am so screwed up. i to have just lost my job my only job i have ever had at 46yrs old. i am terrified because the control what little we ever had could be hidden and everything was safe. now its all going down hill when more and more voices and time is lost more and more. so how do we talk to them internally did you figure this junk out. oml i am so sorry for going off here i am sor sorry but its the same thing we got told to do. but how///??????

Candycan said...

Hi anonymous, I'm not really sure myself as it's a learning process, but what I usually do when I feel we need to communicate is to try to be aware of the internal voices and give everyone a chance to speak and say what they feel without arguing. There is a part of me that can act as a sort of moderator so this helps. Usually I have a pen and paper and try to write down what I can hear. When I was going on my trip I got my parts to discuss concerns and it really helped. Having said that it's not always successful and sometimes I can't really get in tune with whats going on. Hope this helps!