I have a huge DID related problem that I need a magic wand for....
My return to work after my big trip has been made more scary than it would be otherwise by the fact that I am now in a new job role (same work place but different area of work). It's at the level that I am qualified to work at now (up until now I've worked in a job that I didn't need my degree for).
I had such a hard time getting through university. I was bullied by my supervisors and was having a lot of problems with dissociation because of this (I didn't know it was dissociation at the time but looking back now I can see that it was. I couldn't figure out where all of my time was going to amongst other things.) which meant I wasn't able to do the work properly which made the bullying worse, which spiralled down to end with me being failed in what should have been the last month of a four year course.
I was carted off to a counsellor and told not to come back to uni until I was better (I had admitted that I was struggling with depression). I didn't know I had DID yet but I knew enough about myself to know that a few counselling sessions was not going to fix me so in time my high functioning on top of the world self took over and presented a lovely rosy picture of my recovery to my counsellor who then informed my uni that I was 'better'.
This super duper 'part' then went back and finished my uni course some two years after I should have graduated and flew through the repeat section of it as though she had been doing the work daily over the course of a twenty year career. She wowed the supervisors (and me) and passed with first class honours.
I see the person that did this as someone else, not me. I feel like a fraud. It wasn't me who did the work or got the first. I didn't even want to attend my graduation and a part tried to sabotage this by making sure I missed the deadline for booking in to attend. My husband found out and rang the uni to make sure I could go so I went in the end and I did feel proud in that moment but afterwards I felt like a fraud again.
That was two years ago now and I am just starting a job in the field I studied in. I'm more highly qualified than any of my colleagues but I feel completely incompetent. I feel like I don't have the knowledge or skills to do the job properly.
I know there is a part of me that does have the capacity and I was really hoping she would take over and that I'd be able to do the work with no problem but I have now done a couple of days and she isn't here!
What am I going to do? My therapist talks about me communicating internally with parts to ensure co-operation. She said I should ask that part to share the knowledge with other parts, but I don't know how to do this! I can't control my parts like that! I don't choose who comes out and when and I don't know how to get this part to take over now.
What am I going to do? I feel completely overwhelmed and incapable and I feel like it's only a matter of hours before I get discovered for being this fraud. What makes it even scarier is that this is not just my perception of things. The evidence is there from the past, I need that part in order to do well. I was hopeless without her. Today I felt hopeless. My work today was not good enough and I had evidence of that.
What am I going to do? I think the stress is affecting me already. Today I struggled with wanting to purge after my dinner. I haven't thought about doing this in months. I feel like I don't have control over myself.