I had a dream a few nights ago.
I was in a house: a small wooden house. It was a rabbit house. A bit like an ordinary house but smaller and without furniture, but with hay. There were rabbits in it. I realised that I had left the door open and some of the rabbits were making their way outside. I couldn't remember if the rabbit garden was safe for them so I went out. The rabbits were hopping around in the sunshine but there was a cat lying on the grass. The cat didn't look that interested but I wasn't sure. I felt that given time, a cat is bound to attack a rabbit and eat it. I started trying to collect up the rabbits to take them back to their house. The first one I lifted was pretty big and took two hands to hold. The rabbit was pretty placid and didn't seem to mind being lifted. I felt anxious because I knew I needed to get the rabbits back into their house to prevent them getting lost or eaten. Then I woke up.
What do you think this means?
My theory is that the rabbits are my 'alters' or 'parts'; my various personalities that are living in my head. The rabbits getting out, is about me exploring my parts during my clinical psychology sessions and on my own in between. I am going through a process of getting to know them, where in the past I didn't even know they existed. I am also sharing what I am learning with my clinical psychologist and recently have shared more than I ever thought I would be able to. I am also now sharing my experience with you, through this blog. This process of exploration and sharing does not come without fears. It is me letting my rabbits out.
I guess I am also still learning to trust my psychologist. The cat seemed harmless; it was lying on the grass. But a cat is a cat; cats chase rabbits. I know my psychologist seems trustworthy and I know she is there to help me, but she is a human. My life so far as taught me that humans must not be trusted. Humans will hurt you and betray you and rip your heart out and squeeze every last drop of blood from it before shoving it back into your chest. It's hard to overcome a fear like that.
I am scared, really scared. Letting my parts out for others to know is a huge risk for all of us. We are making ourselves vulnerable to being hurt and remember, we all exist because I was hurt and needed to protect myself from hurts. There is also an aspect of fear in the prospect of 'getting better'. My parts are scared that they are going to be eliminated. They fear that in being exposed they will be destroyed. I am scared that I will be left alone without these people/parts who, although at times I despise, I have recently realised I also love. They have been there to help me through so many difficult times. Getting to know them better, I have learnt to love them better and appreciate how they have helped me. What would my life be like without them? What would it be like not having the constant conversation in my head? Will I be lonely? What will the person left at the end be like? Maybe I am better off as I am. Maybe I should keep the rabbits in the house.