Things have been quite hard over the last few months. I am aware that I have little support other than my psychologist and my husband, in terms of people who know about my mental health issues. That is not to say that I have little support. My psychologist and my husband are extremely important, but as my psychologist reminded me today, her role isn't to support me between sessions (bah!) and my husband is going through his own stuff at the moment so it's hard. He got quite upset last time I tried to talk to him about things being hard and in the end, I've realised it's better not to tell him if I don't have to. So that limits me a bit more.
So with this all in mind, maybe it's time to start blogging a bit more regularly, as a way of managing things that are going on. I don't know how it will pan out. The prospect feels like I'm promising something I may not have the commitment to achieving; but it might just be OK and who's judging me anyway?
I don't want to overwhelm myself by writing too much at once but I think it might just be good for me to tell you that things are really hard. Work's hard, family's hard, therapy's hard. It probably hasn't helped that I tried cutting down my medication and although it clearly has made things worse, part of me is really resistant to the idea of putting it back up. Mainly, my reluctance is because of the effect it has on my already banjaxed bowels and secondly because since cutting down the dose I have lost 10lb in weight and that's not something I'm keen to find again.
EMDR started and then was put on hold again due to me being not great at the moment and I'm scared frankly to do any more of it because it really knocked the stuffing out of me last time and I'm still trying to work full time. Today in my psychology session T asked me if I think I need to take some time out from work. It is very unlike her to make suggestions or ask questions like that so she must think it's something I'd benefit from. She is right; I would be better off on sick leave at the moment, but I don't want to have to do that. It's like admitting to myself that I'm not coping and seems like a step backwards. Plus, work is so busy at the moment and I know there is no resource to cover my work if I wasn't there, so my sick leave would have a negative impact on other people.
That's just a bit of how things are at the moment. Let's hope it helps me somehow.
xxx Candy
