Tuesday, 3 September 2013


Things have been quite hard over the last few months. I am aware that I have little support other than my psychologist and my husband, in terms of people who know about my mental health issues. That is not to say that I have little support. My psychologist and my husband are extremely important, but as my psychologist reminded me today, her role isn't to support me between sessions (bah!) and my husband is going through his own stuff at the moment so it's hard. He got quite upset last time I tried to talk to him about things being hard and in the end, I've realised it's better not to tell him if I don't have to. So that limits me a bit more.

So with this all in mind, maybe it's time to start blogging a bit more regularly, as a way of managing things that are going on. I don't know how it will pan out. The prospect feels like I'm promising something I may not have the commitment to achieving; but it might just be OK and who's judging me anyway?

I don't want to overwhelm myself by writing too much at once but I think it might just be good for me to tell you that things are really hard. Work's hard, family's hard, therapy's hard. It probably hasn't helped that I tried cutting down my medication and although it clearly has made things worse, part of me is really resistant to the idea of putting it back up. Mainly, my reluctance is because of the effect it has on my already banjaxed bowels and secondly because since cutting down the dose I have lost 10lb in weight and that's not something I'm keen to find again.

EMDR started and then was put on hold again due to me being not great at the moment and I'm scared frankly to do any more of it because it really knocked the stuffing out of me last time and I'm still trying to work full time. Today in my psychology session T asked me if I think I need to take some time out from work. It is very unlike her to make suggestions or ask questions like that so she must think it's something I'd benefit from. She is right; I would be better off on sick leave at the moment, but I don't want to have to do that. It's like admitting to myself that I'm not coping and seems like a step backwards. Plus, work is so busy at the moment and I know there is no resource to cover my work if I wasn't there, so my sick leave would have a negative impact on other people.

That's just a bit of how things are at the moment. Let's hope it helps me somehow.

xxx Candy


Anonymous said...


I am writing a play about a woman with DID that is going to London, whilst doing some research I came across your blog and wondered if you would mind talking to me a but more about yourself and doing with DID!?

Is there an email I can contact you on!?




Unknown said...

Hey Candy, it sounds rough right now. I totally relate to the medication issue and how EMDR is so difficult. I also relate to only having limited amount of support; one of the things my therapist has been pushing me to do. it's so difficult to make friends when you switch all the time though. glad you're back. :)

B said...

sorry to hear things are so hard now. just wanted to send my support. i have DID too and things you say make a lot of sense to me. love xx

Healing said...

Hi Candy. I very much understand both the EMDR and the need to taking time off work. I recently had to go on disability because I just could not do work any longer for a time. I do not plan to stay on disability but just till I can get things back on track, which may take a while. It is not uncommon for those with DID to hit this area of the "pendulum" during the healing process.

Also with EMDR, it does take a lot out of you but as you are able to process what comes up, and continue to do the EMDR, even if you only do a little bit the next time, the effects of EMDR do lessen.

I am sorry you are not having much support at home. I am thinking of you. You can email me if you want.

B said...

I left a comment yesterday but it didnt post:( just wanted to send my support. I have DID too and your blogs make a lot of sense to me. Sending love xxx

Candycan said...

Thank you for commenting on my post. It means a lot to me when people say they understand.
Meghan, I agree about the difficulty of making friends when you have DID; also because I forget things a lot, I tend to not write back to texts etc and then people get annoyed with me :(

Healing, it's interesting that you say the effects of EMDR lessen over time because I have actually been dreading doing it again out of fear of how bad I will feel if it's like that every time.

B, so sorry your comment didnt post. What happens to all of the words we type that disappear like that? Are they floating around in the ether somewhere with all the odd socks that disappear in the wash. I like to think so. Thanls for taking the time to comment anyway and I appreciate the support.

Anonymous, you can ask me any questions on here as comments, or I am also on twitter. My email is candycanandco at gmail dot com, but I get so much junk that probably the best way to communicate is through my blog or on twitter.

x Candy

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say I could have written this post myself - except I've been out of work for awhile now. It got to be too much trying to juggle it all on my own. But I don't regret it. I feel a lot better than I did when I first went on leave. I still have a long way to go. Try not to be so hard on yourself. This is a pretty complicated and heavy thing we are dealing with. Keep on writing as long as its healthy for you. I write on my blog as an outlet too and it helps. A lot.

And never forget that you are not alone. Take gentle care ~ dee

Candycan said...

Hi Dee, thanks for commenting. I believe I have read your blog in the past and it has been helpful to me. Hopefully will be doing less days at work soon. I'm glad it's been helpful for you. You're right, it is complicated.